Shepherd of my soul

I have been meditating on all the events that have led up to this time in my life.  There have been ups and downs.  We have cried many tears and celebrated many victories.  One phrase has resignated in my mind.  " I am the good shepherd..."  My prayers and hopes are that this blog will bring encouragement to those who may be walking a similar path and to also uplift others who in walking their own paths and have faced disappointments, heartaches and breakthroughs.

John 10:1-5 says: "The shepherd walks right up to the gate.  The gatekeeper opens the gate to Him and the sheep recognize His voice.  He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.  When He gets them all out, He leads them and they follow because they are familiar with His voice.  They won't follow a stranger's voice but will scatter because they aren't used to the sound of it."

Looking back on moments when I was confused by my circumstances and asking why I had to walk through such heartbreak, I see where I "scattered".  In those moments when I felt so alone and the "voices" of doubt echoed, I felt lost.

"I am the good shephard."  Its hard for us to relate to a shephard since it isnt an occupation we are familiar with in this nation. Even the disciples didn't get it at first. Then next few versus reads: "Jesus told them this simple story, but they had no idea what he was talking about. So He tried again. 'I'll be explicit, then.  I am the Gate for the sheep.  All those others are up to no good--sheep stealers, everyone of them.  But the sheep didn't listen to them.  I am the Gate.  Anyone who goes through me will be cared for--will freely go in and out, and find pasture."

When I pass the pasture near my home and see the animals grazing, they honestly don't look like they worry if the pasture is still going to be there tomorrow.  The one thing that sticks out to me as I reflect is how we as His sheep will be cared for and go freely in and out and find pasture!  I have felt abandoned before.  I know the feeling of loneliness and not knowing what to expect next.  But Jesus also says in this passage that His sheep know His voice and He leads His sheep.  A voice of a stranger causes the sheep to scatter.  In the times I "scattered", its not because I was abandoned.  Its the "voice" I was listening to.  Jesus as the good shepherd cares and leads us to freedom and provides a place of restoration.  When I feel abandoned, lonely, scared, helpless.....Which voice am I listening to?  Jesus is the Shepherd to my soul.  My emotions, my thoughlife, my will.  As I listen to His voice, even when there wolves in sheeps clothing or thieves that try to scatter, I don't have to be afraid.  He is the good shepherd of my soul!

Hurry up and wait!

Well last Monday Hope's doctor told her she probably isn't going to last 2 weeks.  This of course sent me into a frenzy.  You know the kind of frenzy that you make more messes than you get cleaned up!!! And...... Still no baby.  I am not complaining because I want Eliana to bake as long as she needs.  Now I am debating whether I paint her room or wait til after she is here to start such a project.  She will be in a bassinett in our room for a little bit anyhow so we would have time if I wanted to!  Part of me wants to make her room so pretty and whimsical with butterflies fluttering across her walls and a flower garden growing up the walls!  Then another part of me knows that one project always unlocks 5 more projects!! What to do!  It has been my dream to decorate our child's room.  Still debating!  But for now, I must hurry up and wait!  Matt is acting like a kid waiting for Christmas morning! He probably asks me atleast twice a day, "When is she going to get here? I thought the doctor said it would be soon?".  I don't know who is more excited!  We have a baby dr. appointment tomorrow.  I am excited to see if there is any progress but in the mean time, I will debate with myself..... To paint or not to paint?!?!

Ephesians 1:3-6 Message Bible

"How blessed is GOD! and what a blessing He is!  He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in Him.  Long before He laid down the earth's foundations, He had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of His love, to be made whole and holy by His love.  Long, long ago He decided to adopt us into His family through Jesus Christ.  (what a pleasure He took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of His lavish gift-giving by the hand of His beloved Son."

In the Waiting.

Waiting.  In our drive through, commercial filled, fast paced society waiting is difficult.  It is something I have struggled with for a long time.  Many times I have asked God in prayer, "When _____?"  I am sure most of us can fill in that blank with something that we have been waiting for, longing for, praying for.  In prayer and bible study this morning I read something that jumped off the pages.  I love when that happens reading God's word!! 

"When they were together for the last time they asked, "Master, are you going to restore the kingdom to Israel now? Is this the time?"  He told them, "You don't get to know the time.  Timing is the Father's business.  What you'll get is the Holy Spirit.  And when the Holy Spirit comes on you, you will be able to be my witness in Jerusalem, all over Judea and Samaria, even to the ends of the world." Acts 1:6-8

That is not the answer they were looking for! There is so much in these few verses!! But I heard God speak to me that all the times I ask "when?" He wants me to ask for the Holy Spirit!!  The point is not timing.  Although in America we are really hung up on timing!  The point is that in the waiting He has given us His Holy Spirit to be a witness! IN THE WAITING!!!!  The purpose in our lives as we walk with Jesus is not for everything we want to come about in our time and be tied up with a pretty little bow and handed to us! Honestly, I am not sure I would have made it as a good follower of Jesus in bible times!  I think we have lost sight of being HIS disciple.   

Acts 1:6-8 were Jesus' last words! I take someone's last words as pretty important! Whatever you are waiting for, whether it be the prodigal coming home, a child, a breakthrough or healing, take this word to heart!  Pray to be filled with His Holy Spirit.  Release the timing to the Father.  Let Him use you as a witness to all those around you.  The impact the disciples made when the Holy Spirit came was exponential!  Be encouraged!  The Father has got the timing under control!!  His word is TRUE, FAITHFUL AND ALWAYS ACCOMPLISHES WHAT HE SENT IT TO DO!! 

God's writing our story!

We are all open books to be read by all men.  I am sure you have heard the book title 'When God writes you love story' and heard sermons on letting God write your story.  I love books and love to read about other's adventures and their lives! The thought that our lives are a story is exciting to me!

 I was thinking about this adoption journey we have been on and how we got to this place. To begin the adoption process, there is A LOT of paperwork and interviews and tests and money and emotions!!!!  I remember when we began moving towards adoption and hearing all the things it entailed, and the overwhelming feeling of "Can we do this?".  It was right after I asked that question that every scripture I read was about adoption!  In one day it was like God was saying "SURRENDER, I'VE GOT THIS!" So I began to research different types of adoption and foster care.  I read about international, domestic, fostering to adopt and began to look up the difference between open and closed adoptions.  Looking back, the more I surrendered and let God lead us, the clearer the journey became! 

Today I can see how God used even the heartbreaks and disappointments to prepare us.  I am so humbled and thankful that God is writing our story!  We get to be apart of sweet Eliana's story!  Written by GOD himself! All because we surrendered.  It wasn't easy and there were days we did resist because of our emotions.   I see now just the beginnings of this story unfolding!  What a beautiful gift we are being given and what amazing role we have.

A little bit about open adoption

I wanted to share a little more about open adoption and all the benefits! Its kind of a "soap box" for me so I will try to keep it light and informative : ) !!  The story of Moses is a great example of an open adoption.  Moses' mother was put in a position she could not raise Moses safely.  She trusted God with her son and he was adopted by Pharoah's daughter but she needed someone to nurse him so God made the provision for Moses' birthmom to be apart of his life.  I believe that God saw his mother's heart and orchestrated this open adoption because God himself is the creator of adoption!!!!  In the same way, there are birthmothers who are not in a position to raise their unborn child safely.  It may be finances, relationship issues, maturity, timing or addiction that brings a birthmom to make one of the most the courageous, selfless and loving decision ever made!  Whatever the circumstances, a biological mother is a mother and 99.9% of the time she is in love with her unborn child.  If there are not threats to the well being of the baby, having a relationship with the birthmom I feel (based on talking with those who have participated in open adoption and through personal research) is healthy for the child and biological parents.  The mystery of "where did I come from?" is answered and the birthmother's/birthparents' concern for the well being of her/their child and its safety is put at ease.  In voluntary adoptions, the journey should not feel like a punishment.  I feel it should be a celebration of growth for both the birthparents and the adoptive parents.  There is no easy equation of what an open adoption looks like!  Its as unique as the individuals! But I know adoption is God's heart and I believe open adoption is also close to His heart!

Surprise and air purifiers!

It felt like the pounding of my heart was echoing in the room!  We heard the news today that Eliana could be here as soon as next week! Doc thinks Hope isn't going to last much longer and she has already started dialating!  WOW!  The room is spinning!!! So much to do!!  What to do first?........ I NEED AIR PURIFIERS!!!  I have no idea why this is the  most urgent thing on my list but apparently the air that Matt and I breath isn't good enough for this little girl!!! So I purchased them and my local Target and I have them running!! I guess I need even the air to be clean before she gets home haha!  But seriously, I am overwhelmed with so many emotions! Joy about finally meeting her and fear about what in the world am I going to do!!!  Excitement I can barely stay in my own skin and anxiety to get a lot of stuff done TONITE!! Haha!  Ofcourse, we still have no idea when she will come, we just know soon.  My birthday is Monday.... you never know! pray for Hope and Ellie's birthfather I will call Jeremiah (because God has got some amazing plans for his life!) and for Eliana and US!!!  Thanks so much for your support!!  We will definitely do better at keeping the blog updated and we are continuing our fundraising efforts.  We are getting closer!!

Fundraising!!!

Five weeks!!!! Five weeks until little Eliana is due! Now whether she comes early or later, only she and the heavenly father knows!  Since beginning this blog we have raised already $200!  That leaves $7,800 more to go!  One thing I will never forget, is how God has always provided for me.  Some may think I am crazy because of the story I am about to tell you. 

My family struggled financially my whole life.  I remember when my baby brother was about 5 or 6 and we didn't have much money, not even enough to buy groceries.  My parents had stopped and Dove's grocery store in Montevallo and saw a beautiful elderly lady.  My parents went into the store to buy hot dogs for dinner but felt prompted to give the last $20 they had to this sweet lady.  To make you realize how financially challenged we were, we lived in a 1 bedroom shell of a house in Pearidge.  It had a wood heater in the main room, a kitchen, a bathroom and their were 2 porches that had been converted to bedrooms with no insulation.  There was literally an outhouse in the backyard! And a well in the kitchen!  When you live in a house like this and have no money for valuables along with living in Pearidge, Al.  YOU DO NOT FEEL THE NEED TO LOCK YOUR DOOR! 

When we pulled into the driveway and got out of the car we discovered our front door locked.  Of course we didnt bring the house key so my dad opened the kitchen window and hoisted my little brother in to open the front door.  Inside we saw God's provision and it has impacted my life so profoundly!  Our cupboards and refrigerator were FULL of groceries!!!!  Some may say"'well somebody did that, thats impossible".  Whether or not you may believe angels filled our cupboards or someone caring person in flesh and blood did it, DOES IT REALLY MATTER! Whatever the case may be it was an angel who blessed us! And my parents were obedient to the prompting of the Lord to bless that sweet elderly lady.  What is my point to this story?  Well I am encouraging myself by reminding me that God is our ultimate provider.  Also, Matt and I have been prompted by the Lord and responded in obedience and I believe that God will bless us! And I want to say thank you to all of you who are being angels for us in this adoption process!  Keep checking back as we post more on our fundraising efforts and again thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

The story of the pink elephant

To respect the birthmother I am going to give her a different name with meaning.  I will call her Hope. Because of the hope that God has given her for a future and the the hope she places in us to parent her precious child.  We had been communicating on a weekly basis for about a month when I sat in front of my computer and the thought I need to find a girl name overwhelmed me.  Hope would find the gender of the baby soon and we only had a boy name picked out.  So I did some research on Hebrew names because we wanted to give a name that had a special meaning to us.  When I came across the name Eliana I could not get it out of my head so I told matt about it.  Eliana means "God has answered" in Hebrew so we felt it was perfect! 

It wasn't but  a few weeks later Hope found out she was carrying a little girl!  Randomly she texted me asking if we had picked out any girl names yet.  When I texted back the name Eliana she asked me to call her.  Hope said from the moment she found out she was pregnant she knew it would be a girl and had wanted to name her Eliana.  She has two couisins with similar names and she liked the letter 'E'.  Hope then told me of a  stuffed pink elephant she had slept with that she called 'Ellie' and so that pink elephant represented something special to her from the very beginning of her pregnancy.

Only God could place that name in both our hearts!  It was then I felt confirmation from the Lord that He was working in both mine and Hope's heart!  So when I began to prepare for fundraising, I felt it fitting to use 'Ellie' the pink elephant in our logo!

Stars shone and the air was crisp on that fall night.  We had just began our courtship and were learning about each others' hopes and dreams.  When the topic of adoption came up, we were in unison on the idea of growing a family through adoption.  We agreed that along with having biological children we wanted to open our hearts to parenting a child through adoption.  Our hearts were broken after we discovered I was unable to conceive.  The conversation we had on that fall night stirred in both our hearts.  We were sad we may never hear "they have your eyes.", but the dream of adoption became our hearts cry.

We began the adoption process one year ago having no idea all that it entailed.  Now with joy in our hearts,  birthparents have come into our lives!  We have always believed in a semi-open adoptin (where the birthparents and our adopted child have a relationship from the very beginning) is the best for everyone involved.  We are so blessed that these birthparents have a desire to be apart of our family and we have been building a relationship with them for the past 4 months.

As you know, the cost of adoption is very expensive.  That is why we are reaching out to our friends, family and community to help raise support for this wonderful blessing.  Her name is Eliana, which in Hebrew means "God has answered".  She is due October 23,2011.  We believe her life will be a blessing to the world and to everyone whose life she touches.  We are so thankful to the birthparents for this wonderful blessing! 

We have a goal to raise $8,000 to help with the cost of the adoption.  Would you consider being apart of our support team through prayer and giving to The Eliana Project?  We are working on t-shirts, scratch cards, bake sales and doing a raffle for some pretty cool stuff! Please feel free to contact us with questions and keep checking back on the updates with our goal and all the cool things to help raise support for sweet baby Eliana.