Niagra Falls for Christmas!

Its been a while.  I have thought about posting something for a couple of weeks but I just haven't had the strength.  Holidays can be hard.  Whether you have lost a child, young or older, or struggle because your arms have been empty, this time of year can be so tough.  I have tried to prepare my heart because I knew it was coming, but to no avail they are here and I am struggling. The difference from last year and this year is I am talking about it and seeking counseling.  It is helping but it doesn't stop the tears.  So every time I have sat down to write, I just got overwhelmed.  So much has gone on the past couple of years for precious friends and family.  Loved ones leaving us for heaven.  So much loss and hurt.

I hope that you are not walking through any of this as you read my blog, but I know that there are more walking through heartache than not right now.  My heart is hurting with you.  I am just so "dang" emotional! Its not just that my womb is broken, or the two babies that seemed so close to being in my arms aren't.  It's not just that I see and read about these little ones who have no mommy and are hurting.  Or that I want to be a mommy and the doors just aren't opening or keep shutting. Its deeper.

Ps. 42: 7-8 say "Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.  By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me a prayer to the God of  my life."

Having a child put in my arms at this very moment will not bring the deep satisfaction and healing that my heart needs.  Its deeper. This verse has always been beautiful to me.  I used to see it as sweet but have you ever seen a waterfall?  Niagra falls? Or been in the ocean when the waves are so rough and high? It isnt pleasant. Can you imagine being swept over by Niagra falls or the Tsunami waves? Scarey thought huh? And after the waves have peaked and all the stuff on the bottom gets brought to the surface it doesn't seem so lovely. Thats what I feel.  A deep calling to the Deep parts of Him.  All this stuff being brought to the surface. Its not pretty.  Beliefs that have been developed because of experience, not based on sunday school lessons but the hard lessons of life.  Most of which DO NOT line up with God's word. But the in the verse it goes on to say the He directs his love by day and His song is with me in the night. 

This verse speaks so much more to me now.  A sweet friend called on a not so good day and asked if I wanted to see Chris Tomlin that night.  If you know me, you know I am not spontaneous AT ALL! It was 5:00 p.m. and the concert started at 7 I think.  Matts was at a football game so I text him said I was going.  Didn't know what to expect but I had that deep calling feeling going on.

When we get there, Luis Giglio stepped on stage and shared God's answer to that deep calling. Please google Luis Giglio and his message about the symphony in the stars. It is a MUST SEE! But in a nutshell he shared with us how stars in the universe actually make sounds! And then he shared with us the song of whales when migrating to Hawaii.  He read Psalm 148 where it says "Praise the Lord from the heavens, Praise Him in the heights above.....Praise Him sun and moon, Praise Him all you shining stars.  Praise Him, you highest heavens...... Praise the Lord from the earth, you great sea creatures and all ocean depths.." And then he did a mash up of all the sounds made in the heavens and in the sea with the song "How great is our God".  The crowd began to worship and it was like a lightening bolt hit my soul.  In that moment I felt we were in unison with the universe and creation singing praises to God! So powerful!! 

Now God has this magnificent symphony in His creation.  I am sure it is such a beautiful thing for Him to hear and the sound of the host of heaven singing His praises constantly.  So He doesn't need our praises.  Yet we have something that all of creation doesn't in their worship.  A song of redemption.  We were created in His image with a will to choose.  When we choose to humble ourselves and open our hearts to Him, He delights in the symphony of the redeemed.  

I remembered sitting in youth at Bethany World Prayer Center in Baker, Lousiana, and Brother Tony was preaching on the cross.  I asked the Lord why did He died for us when He could have just started all over again.  I heard the Lord say " He made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21).  I did not have my bible open. It was His still small voice that spoke to me.  I remember being stunned that I had asked Him a question in my heart and He answered. And His answer resounded that night at the Chris Tomlin concert.

This is what Christmas is about. 2Corinthians 5:21.  His perfect gift.  This answer to the deep longing in my heart has truly helped me focus and "make it through" this season.  Tears still come.  I am uber emotional.  I cry for my friends and family and for the orphans.  I cry because my heart is sad and still hurts.  But I have this hope. His song in the night!

How do YOU wait?

Looking around the room I see a mom trying to entertain her toddler, a gentleman playing on his phone, and in the corner an elderly man reading a newspaper.  Sitting in a waiting room can be entertaining as you observe how people wait.  Working in a doctor's office at the front desk you get a close look at how people "wait".  There are those that will sigh loudly as the clock ticks.  Some have their noses in a book.  Then there is my favorite person whose head is cocked back, mouth open on the verge of a snore!!

How do you wait?  To be honest, I am not very good at it.  I am the one who looks at the clock.  I will try to read a magazine or play on my phone but I am always watching the clock!  I don't like waiting.  Waiting is exactly where I am right now.  After prayer and talking with Matt, the answer we feel  through prayer and discussion is "Wait". 

What I do with my "wait" is important.  The more I sigh and stare at the clock, the slower the hands on the clock move.  If I sleep through the wait, I may miss out on something! The Lord knows on my own I cannot wait quietly!!  Yet I feel that in this wait, I need to be alert and quiet myself .  There is a reward in knowing HIM in this waiting.  There is a treasure to discover in this wait.  Learning something more about Papa God and letting Him change, renew and keep me in this wait.  He isn't saying "no", just "not yet".

Zephaniah 3:16-17, "Do not fear; Zion, let not your hands be weak.  The Lord your God is in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

I don't know if you are being asked to wait on your blessing or an answer to prayer, but I hope that in your waiting you find that He will quiet you with His love. I hope you hear in your heart the song of rejoicing He sings over you as you wait in Him.