She breathed in deep as if it might be her last breath. Heart pounding but desperate she made her way to join the masses. She couldn't get to where she needed because of the amount of people, so she did what any normal crazy person would do and got on her knees to get it. It didn't take much. Just the hem. All of the sudden HE stopped. "Who touched me?". Peter looked perplexed. "Jesus, the crowds are pressing all around you. What do you mean who touched you?".
You will find this story in Luke chapter 8. In that moment when she touched the hem of Jesus' garment, she was healed. But what sticks out to me the most is that so many people were around HIM. So many people were brushing up against HIM and were close enough to touch HIS hand or HIS shoulder. But it was the slightest touch of the bottom of his clothes that got HIS attention. I am sure those surrounding HIM had needs but I think the difference is she touched HIM. She wasn't just in HIS presence. She reached out to touch HIM. Jesus said, "daughter, your faith has healed you.."
I am not sure where you may be on your "faith-o-meter" but mine has been kinda low. Something about this story always stirs me. The one thing I can say I learned this year is HIS faithfulness. He is available. I just need to reach out and touch HIM. It's not just about being in HIS presence.
During the holidays I have found myself in the crowds of people desperate, drawing in that deep breath. Turning on my worship music last night, I reached out. My outward circumstances may not change. But my heart finds peace and rest at the feet of Papa God! When you are surrounded by "the masses" and it seems as if the world is going on without you, just reach out to HIM and hold on.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Crossroads
Well, it seems that this journey to our little one(s) can be bumpy more than smooth. I cling to Romans 8:28 and 2Cor. 4:17&18 right now. Refining is a good description! I just heard back from our agency about the directions we can take and we have a lot of questions we have to ask ourselves and also need to hear from the Lord on!
Please pray for us! Its not easy to ask these questions and we want to be led by the Lord. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't yearn to hold these little ones in my arms. I know some may avoid my posts because of how much I am putting on facebook about adoption and stories of specific orphans. Truth is, I have thought about orphans since I was 15. Now it just burns in my heart. I am an advocate for teen moms, women in crisis and orphans. Its my "soap box"! Some may say I have been on my soap box a little too much. I can't help it! Having been to Mexico and India, inside the orphanages, looking into those beautiful eyes messes you up. I can close my eyes and still see their faces. Thanks so much for reading my blog and for loving me through this. Your support is priceless! Please pray for us as we face another challenge. I pray that this Christmas and New Year's is so full of love and laughter for you! And that you make many wonderful memories and hold each other tight!
Please pray for us! Its not easy to ask these questions and we want to be led by the Lord. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't yearn to hold these little ones in my arms. I know some may avoid my posts because of how much I am putting on facebook about adoption and stories of specific orphans. Truth is, I have thought about orphans since I was 15. Now it just burns in my heart. I am an advocate for teen moms, women in crisis and orphans. Its my "soap box"! Some may say I have been on my soap box a little too much. I can't help it! Having been to Mexico and India, inside the orphanages, looking into those beautiful eyes messes you up. I can close my eyes and still see their faces. Thanks so much for reading my blog and for loving me through this. Your support is priceless! Please pray for us as we face another challenge. I pray that this Christmas and New Year's is so full of love and laughter for you! And that you make many wonderful memories and hold each other tight!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Niagra Falls for Christmas!
Its been a while. I have thought about posting something for a couple of weeks but I just haven't had the strength. Holidays can be hard. Whether you have lost a child, young or older, or struggle because your arms have been empty, this time of year can be so tough. I have tried to prepare my heart because I knew it was coming, but to no avail they are here and I am struggling. The difference from last year and this year is I am talking about it and seeking counseling. It is helping but it doesn't stop the tears. So every time I have sat down to write, I just got overwhelmed. So much has gone on the past couple of years for precious friends and family. Loved ones leaving us for heaven. So much loss and hurt.
I hope that you are not walking through any of this as you read my blog, but I know that there are more walking through heartache than not right now. My heart is hurting with you. I am just so "dang" emotional! Its not just that my womb is broken, or the two babies that seemed so close to being in my arms aren't. It's not just that I see and read about these little ones who have no mommy and are hurting. Or that I want to be a mommy and the doors just aren't opening or keep shutting. Its deeper.
Ps. 42: 7-8 say "Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me a prayer to the God of my life."
Having a child put in my arms at this very moment will not bring the deep satisfaction and healing that my heart needs. Its deeper. This verse has always been beautiful to me. I used to see it as sweet but have you ever seen a waterfall? Niagra falls? Or been in the ocean when the waves are so rough and high? It isnt pleasant. Can you imagine being swept over by Niagra falls or the Tsunami waves? Scarey thought huh? And after the waves have peaked and all the stuff on the bottom gets brought to the surface it doesn't seem so lovely. Thats what I feel. A deep calling to the Deep parts of Him. All this stuff being brought to the surface. Its not pretty. Beliefs that have been developed because of experience, not based on sunday school lessons but the hard lessons of life. Most of which DO NOT line up with God's word. But the in the verse it goes on to say the He directs his love by day and His song is with me in the night.
This verse speaks so much more to me now. A sweet friend called on a not so good day and asked if I wanted to see Chris Tomlin that night. If you know me, you know I am not spontaneous AT ALL! It was 5:00 p.m. and the concert started at 7 I think. Matts was at a football game so I text him said I was going. Didn't know what to expect but I had that deep calling feeling going on.
When we get there, Luis Giglio stepped on stage and shared God's answer to that deep calling. Please google Luis Giglio and his message about the symphony in the stars. It is a MUST SEE! But in a nutshell he shared with us how stars in the universe actually make sounds! And then he shared with us the song of whales when migrating to Hawaii. He read Psalm 148 where it says "Praise the Lord from the heavens, Praise Him in the heights above.....Praise Him sun and moon, Praise Him all you shining stars. Praise Him, you highest heavens...... Praise the Lord from the earth, you great sea creatures and all ocean depths.." And then he did a mash up of all the sounds made in the heavens and in the sea with the song "How great is our God". The crowd began to worship and it was like a lightening bolt hit my soul. In that moment I felt we were in unison with the universe and creation singing praises to God! So powerful!!
Now God has this magnificent symphony in His creation. I am sure it is such a beautiful thing for Him to hear and the sound of the host of heaven singing His praises constantly. So He doesn't need our praises. Yet we have something that all of creation doesn't in their worship. A song of redemption. We were created in His image with a will to choose. When we choose to humble ourselves and open our hearts to Him, He delights in the symphony of the redeemed.
I remembered sitting in youth at Bethany World Prayer Center in Baker, Lousiana, and Brother Tony was preaching on the cross. I asked the Lord why did He died for us when He could have just started all over again. I heard the Lord say " He made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21). I did not have my bible open. It was His still small voice that spoke to me. I remember being stunned that I had asked Him a question in my heart and He answered. And His answer resounded that night at the Chris Tomlin concert.
This is what Christmas is about. 2Corinthians 5:21. His perfect gift. This answer to the deep longing in my heart has truly helped me focus and "make it through" this season. Tears still come. I am uber emotional. I cry for my friends and family and for the orphans. I cry because my heart is sad and still hurts. But I have this hope. His song in the night!
I hope that you are not walking through any of this as you read my blog, but I know that there are more walking through heartache than not right now. My heart is hurting with you. I am just so "dang" emotional! Its not just that my womb is broken, or the two babies that seemed so close to being in my arms aren't. It's not just that I see and read about these little ones who have no mommy and are hurting. Or that I want to be a mommy and the doors just aren't opening or keep shutting. Its deeper.
Ps. 42: 7-8 say "Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me a prayer to the God of my life."
Having a child put in my arms at this very moment will not bring the deep satisfaction and healing that my heart needs. Its deeper. This verse has always been beautiful to me. I used to see it as sweet but have you ever seen a waterfall? Niagra falls? Or been in the ocean when the waves are so rough and high? It isnt pleasant. Can you imagine being swept over by Niagra falls or the Tsunami waves? Scarey thought huh? And after the waves have peaked and all the stuff on the bottom gets brought to the surface it doesn't seem so lovely. Thats what I feel. A deep calling to the Deep parts of Him. All this stuff being brought to the surface. Its not pretty. Beliefs that have been developed because of experience, not based on sunday school lessons but the hard lessons of life. Most of which DO NOT line up with God's word. But the in the verse it goes on to say the He directs his love by day and His song is with me in the night.
This verse speaks so much more to me now. A sweet friend called on a not so good day and asked if I wanted to see Chris Tomlin that night. If you know me, you know I am not spontaneous AT ALL! It was 5:00 p.m. and the concert started at 7 I think. Matts was at a football game so I text him said I was going. Didn't know what to expect but I had that deep calling feeling going on.
When we get there, Luis Giglio stepped on stage and shared God's answer to that deep calling. Please google Luis Giglio and his message about the symphony in the stars. It is a MUST SEE! But in a nutshell he shared with us how stars in the universe actually make sounds! And then he shared with us the song of whales when migrating to Hawaii. He read Psalm 148 where it says "Praise the Lord from the heavens, Praise Him in the heights above.....Praise Him sun and moon, Praise Him all you shining stars. Praise Him, you highest heavens...... Praise the Lord from the earth, you great sea creatures and all ocean depths.." And then he did a mash up of all the sounds made in the heavens and in the sea with the song "How great is our God". The crowd began to worship and it was like a lightening bolt hit my soul. In that moment I felt we were in unison with the universe and creation singing praises to God! So powerful!!
Now God has this magnificent symphony in His creation. I am sure it is such a beautiful thing for Him to hear and the sound of the host of heaven singing His praises constantly. So He doesn't need our praises. Yet we have something that all of creation doesn't in their worship. A song of redemption. We were created in His image with a will to choose. When we choose to humble ourselves and open our hearts to Him, He delights in the symphony of the redeemed.
I remembered sitting in youth at Bethany World Prayer Center in Baker, Lousiana, and Brother Tony was preaching on the cross. I asked the Lord why did He died for us when He could have just started all over again. I heard the Lord say " He made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21). I did not have my bible open. It was His still small voice that spoke to me. I remember being stunned that I had asked Him a question in my heart and He answered. And His answer resounded that night at the Chris Tomlin concert.
This is what Christmas is about. 2Corinthians 5:21. His perfect gift. This answer to the deep longing in my heart has truly helped me focus and "make it through" this season. Tears still come. I am uber emotional. I cry for my friends and family and for the orphans. I cry because my heart is sad and still hurts. But I have this hope. His song in the night!
Monday, November 7, 2011
How do YOU wait?
Looking around the room I see a mom trying to entertain her toddler, a gentleman playing on his phone, and in the corner an elderly man reading a newspaper. Sitting in a waiting room can be entertaining as you observe how people wait. Working in a doctor's office at the front desk you get a close look at how people "wait". There are those that will sigh loudly as the clock ticks. Some have their noses in a book. Then there is my favorite person whose head is cocked back, mouth open on the verge of a snore!!
How do you wait? To be honest, I am not very good at it. I am the one who looks at the clock. I will try to read a magazine or play on my phone but I am always watching the clock! I don't like waiting. Waiting is exactly where I am right now. After prayer and talking with Matt, the answer we feel through prayer and discussion is "Wait".
What I do with my "wait" is important. The more I sigh and stare at the clock, the slower the hands on the clock move. If I sleep through the wait, I may miss out on something! The Lord knows on my own I cannot wait quietly!! Yet I feel that in this wait, I need to be alert and quiet myself . There is a reward in knowing HIM in this waiting. There is a treasure to discover in this wait. Learning something more about Papa God and letting Him change, renew and keep me in this wait. He isn't saying "no", just "not yet".
Zephaniah 3:16-17, "Do not fear; Zion, let not your hands be weak. The Lord your God is in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
I don't know if you are being asked to wait on your blessing or an answer to prayer, but I hope that in your waiting you find that He will quiet you with His love. I hope you hear in your heart the song of rejoicing He sings over you as you wait in Him.
How do you wait? To be honest, I am not very good at it. I am the one who looks at the clock. I will try to read a magazine or play on my phone but I am always watching the clock! I don't like waiting. Waiting is exactly where I am right now. After prayer and talking with Matt, the answer we feel through prayer and discussion is "Wait".
What I do with my "wait" is important. The more I sigh and stare at the clock, the slower the hands on the clock move. If I sleep through the wait, I may miss out on something! The Lord knows on my own I cannot wait quietly!! Yet I feel that in this wait, I need to be alert and quiet myself . There is a reward in knowing HIM in this waiting. There is a treasure to discover in this wait. Learning something more about Papa God and letting Him change, renew and keep me in this wait. He isn't saying "no", just "not yet".
Zephaniah 3:16-17, "Do not fear; Zion, let not your hands be weak. The Lord your God is in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
I don't know if you are being asked to wait on your blessing or an answer to prayer, but I hope that in your waiting you find that He will quiet you with His love. I hope you hear in your heart the song of rejoicing He sings over you as you wait in Him.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Do you feel that?
Their deep brown eyes sparkled and they laughed in delight to see such fair skinned Americans! To them it was probably like meeting a movie star! These sweet little ones surrounded us and just wanted to be loved on and cuddled. The room was cold and stale and yet their little faces just shined as we played with them and toted them around on our shoulders. I was so privileged to go to Mexico during my time in bible college and one of my favorite memories are loving on those precious babies in that orphanage.
It only took one time visiting the fatherless and holding their little hands for me to become hooked! My heart will forever be smitten. I don't know how many people visit this blog but I do wonder how many have felt that same tug. The gnawing feeling you get when you see the faces of children on those commercials about third world countries that need help feeding the helpless. After being there and seeing the faces of orphans in Mexico and India, I can still close my eyes and their smiles almost haunt me. I can hear their laughter and my heart still aches.
I have been researching a lot lately and it is impossible to know exactly how many orphans there are in the world. Recent studies show there are between 143,000,000 and 210,000,000 orphans in the world!!!! I cannot fathom that many little ones without a home of their own or a mommy and daddy to love on them and treasure them!!
In orphanages all over the world, children "age out" of the system and have no where to go. I have read ( I did not take the time for footnotes, sorry researchers out there!) that some will fall into drugs and become thieves, some will be sold into sex trafficking.
Not everyone is called to adoption. I know that. I believe more of us are called but haven't surrendered to that drawing deep in our hearts. There are many ways to help the fatherless!
There are those God will lead to adopt, those who will financially support, those who will love by sending gifts to precious little ones. There are those who can impact by fostering here in the states.
There are opportunities all around us. I hope that I can be someone who will shine a light on this path to the Fatherless. Jesus said in Matthew 18:5, "Whoever receives on little child like this in My name receives Me." If you feel that tug on your heart or just want to know more about adoption, I would be glad to answer any questions. Please feel free to email me at hickey_jenny@yahoo.com.
It only took one time visiting the fatherless and holding their little hands for me to become hooked! My heart will forever be smitten. I don't know how many people visit this blog but I do wonder how many have felt that same tug. The gnawing feeling you get when you see the faces of children on those commercials about third world countries that need help feeding the helpless. After being there and seeing the faces of orphans in Mexico and India, I can still close my eyes and their smiles almost haunt me. I can hear their laughter and my heart still aches.
I have been researching a lot lately and it is impossible to know exactly how many orphans there are in the world. Recent studies show there are between 143,000,000 and 210,000,000 orphans in the world!!!! I cannot fathom that many little ones without a home of their own or a mommy and daddy to love on them and treasure them!!
In orphanages all over the world, children "age out" of the system and have no where to go. I have read ( I did not take the time for footnotes, sorry researchers out there!) that some will fall into drugs and become thieves, some will be sold into sex trafficking.
Not everyone is called to adoption. I know that. I believe more of us are called but haven't surrendered to that drawing deep in our hearts. There are many ways to help the fatherless!
There are those God will lead to adopt, those who will financially support, those who will love by sending gifts to precious little ones. There are those who can impact by fostering here in the states.
There are opportunities all around us. I hope that I can be someone who will shine a light on this path to the Fatherless. Jesus said in Matthew 18:5, "Whoever receives on little child like this in My name receives Me." If you feel that tug on your heart or just want to know more about adoption, I would be glad to answer any questions. Please feel free to email me at hickey_jenny@yahoo.com.
Monday, October 24, 2011
I can relate.
Imagine him holding his breath, jaw on the floor. He couldn't find the words or any strength in his body to move. He had heard rumors but didn't believe it. He had been hiding and depressed and hearing those rumors only rubbed salt in the wounds. Flashbacks of all that he had seen, places he had been with Him and the the unforgettable sound of His voice that had echoed in Thomas' heart. Now in front of him stood his very reason for living these past 3 years. Jesus.
I can identify with Thomas the most out of all of the disciples. He saw all the miracles. He heard the words that burned like a fire in all of their hearts. He walked where Jesus walked, slept where Jesus slept. But he still didn't believe it when he was told Jesus had risen. I can only imagine the brokenness and humility that Thomas felt when Jesus told him to touch His side and feel the scars in his hands. I believe that the rebuke Jesus gave was so full of love.
The bible doesn't give us much about Thomas after that and his reputation will forever be "doubting Thomas". I actually can't wait to talk to him when I get to heaven. What an impact that must of had on him! I am not sure why more wasn't written about what type of ministry he had or how he used that experience to reach others with the good news.
Jesus told him that whoever believes without seeing would be blessed. I have seen God do amazing, jaw dropping, shouting glory kind of things. But I think when Jesus died on the cross, Thomas felt his purpose die. I am sure that Thomas had other connections and other things he could do that had his purpose attached to it. But the very person he believed in had been murdered and he didn't even try to stick by Jesus' side!
Looking into those eyes so full of love and fire, I imagine communicated more than Jesus' last recorded statement to Thomas. His purpose was not dead. His purpose was more alive!
Now I know that my purpose is not solely to be a parent. And I know that there is so much more to my life than just adopting or naturally carrying a child. But I can relate to that feeling that what you thought was true ended up turning out different. Thomas got his answer a lot quicker than we have. Nonetheless, the death, burial and the grave in the beginning seemed to be the end. But we all know it was just the beginning and through it we can experience true freedom! I feel in the same way, the end of this adoption, with this couple is not the end. It is only the beginning. And through this we are going to experience more freedom. That sweet little baby girl in Hope's arms tonite does not belong to me. In fact she doesn't belong to Hope or Jeremiah. She belongs to Papa God.
I wrote her a letter today. I told her how much we love her and how excited we were and how sad we are. I pray that her mommy and daddy will treasure her EVERY DAY and that they will follow Jesus whole-heartedly. Then one day lead her to Jesus. I pray her innocence is kept pure until God brings her soul mate. I pray she finds joy and peace and becomes a bright light for God's kindgom. And then I released her to the Lord, because she never belonged to me anyway. She always belonged to HIM.
I can identify with Thomas the most out of all of the disciples. He saw all the miracles. He heard the words that burned like a fire in all of their hearts. He walked where Jesus walked, slept where Jesus slept. But he still didn't believe it when he was told Jesus had risen. I can only imagine the brokenness and humility that Thomas felt when Jesus told him to touch His side and feel the scars in his hands. I believe that the rebuke Jesus gave was so full of love.
The bible doesn't give us much about Thomas after that and his reputation will forever be "doubting Thomas". I actually can't wait to talk to him when I get to heaven. What an impact that must of had on him! I am not sure why more wasn't written about what type of ministry he had or how he used that experience to reach others with the good news.
Jesus told him that whoever believes without seeing would be blessed. I have seen God do amazing, jaw dropping, shouting glory kind of things. But I think when Jesus died on the cross, Thomas felt his purpose die. I am sure that Thomas had other connections and other things he could do that had his purpose attached to it. But the very person he believed in had been murdered and he didn't even try to stick by Jesus' side!
Looking into those eyes so full of love and fire, I imagine communicated more than Jesus' last recorded statement to Thomas. His purpose was not dead. His purpose was more alive!
Now I know that my purpose is not solely to be a parent. And I know that there is so much more to my life than just adopting or naturally carrying a child. But I can relate to that feeling that what you thought was true ended up turning out different. Thomas got his answer a lot quicker than we have. Nonetheless, the death, burial and the grave in the beginning seemed to be the end. But we all know it was just the beginning and through it we can experience true freedom! I feel in the same way, the end of this adoption, with this couple is not the end. It is only the beginning. And through this we are going to experience more freedom. That sweet little baby girl in Hope's arms tonite does not belong to me. In fact she doesn't belong to Hope or Jeremiah. She belongs to Papa God.
I wrote her a letter today. I told her how much we love her and how excited we were and how sad we are. I pray that her mommy and daddy will treasure her EVERY DAY and that they will follow Jesus whole-heartedly. Then one day lead her to Jesus. I pray her innocence is kept pure until God brings her soul mate. I pray she finds joy and peace and becomes a bright light for God's kindgom. And then I released her to the Lord, because she never belonged to me anyway. She always belonged to HIM.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Letting go and prayers for the fatherless
I remember sitting at the kitchen table with tears of frustration streaming down my face. I loved math in school, but I could not figure out how to do this problem! And if I couldn't figure this one out the next ten were just like it!! My dad was good at math but didn't finish highschool. I didn't want to ask for help, I wanted to do it on my own! I like to figure it out on my own. I am still like that today. I will be tinkering with something and get frustrated. Matt will ask if he can see it and I won't relinquish until I am ready to throw it! I am stubborn. I am independent. If I can't figure something out or understand, I get frustrated and upset. This is how I have been feeling this past week. I just can't figure it out. I recognize my need to control my situation is the very thing God is working on. In order to find peace, I must place it in His hands. It sounds so easy to do as I type this, but IT'S NOT!
BUT, HIS WORD STANDS. WHEN EVERY THING ELSE FADES, HIS WORD STANDS. So I am retraining my 'stinking thinking'! I am realizing the moments I am getting frustrated and taking that time to pray and speak with my mouth that this belongs to Jesus. My life, my family, my future! I may sound like a broken record but I am just being real.
We went to see Courageous tonite. Incredible movie about the Father heart of God and a wonderful example of God's desire for family! We both cried. We can identify with heartbreak. But letting God take the heartbreak and bring a Revolution! I hope God uses the heartbreaks we have faced to bring life in the lives of others.
This movie makes me want to be a parent even more!!!! I can't wait! Matt loved it too and can't wait to implement things he learned from this movie as he becomes a daddy!
This Sunday is orphan Sunday. I hope that those who read this blog will take time to pray for the fatherless this Sunday. You can go to DHR's website: http://www.adoptuskids.org/ or check out Lifeline adoption agencies waiting children list at http://www.lifelineadoption.org/ (some waiting children list are password protected). Please pray for these angels. Somewhere this is a little one or an older child whose heart is breaking because they just want to be loved by a mommy and daddy. I don't know which direction God will take us for adoption, but I do believe we will be adopting internationally someday.
BUT, HIS WORD STANDS. WHEN EVERY THING ELSE FADES, HIS WORD STANDS. So I am retraining my 'stinking thinking'! I am realizing the moments I am getting frustrated and taking that time to pray and speak with my mouth that this belongs to Jesus. My life, my family, my future! I may sound like a broken record but I am just being real.
We went to see Courageous tonite. Incredible movie about the Father heart of God and a wonderful example of God's desire for family! We both cried. We can identify with heartbreak. But letting God take the heartbreak and bring a Revolution! I hope God uses the heartbreaks we have faced to bring life in the lives of others.
This movie makes me want to be a parent even more!!!! I can't wait! Matt loved it too and can't wait to implement things he learned from this movie as he becomes a daddy!
This Sunday is orphan Sunday. I hope that those who read this blog will take time to pray for the fatherless this Sunday. You can go to DHR's website: http://www.adoptuskids.org/ or check out Lifeline adoption agencies waiting children list at http://www.lifelineadoption.org/ (some waiting children list are password protected). Please pray for these angels. Somewhere this is a little one or an older child whose heart is breaking because they just want to be loved by a mommy and daddy. I don't know which direction God will take us for adoption, but I do believe we will be adopting internationally someday.
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