In the masses.....

She breathed in deep as if it might be her last breath.  Heart pounding but desperate she made her way to join the masses.  She couldn't get to where she needed because of the amount of people, so she did what any normal crazy person would do and got on her knees to get it.  It didn't take much.  Just the hem.  All of the sudden HE stopped.  "Who touched me?".  Peter looked perplexed.  "Jesus, the crowds are pressing all around you. What do you mean who touched you?".

You will find this story in Luke chapter 8. In that moment when she touched the hem of Jesus' garment, she was healed.  But what sticks out to me the most is that so many people were around HIM.  So many people were brushing up against HIM and were close enough to touch HIS hand or HIS shoulder.  But it was the slightest touch of the bottom of his clothes that got HIS attention.  I am sure those surrounding HIM had needs but I think the difference is she touched HIM. She wasn't just in HIS presence.  She reached out to touch HIM.  Jesus said, "daughter, your faith has healed you.."

I am not sure where you may be on your "faith-o-meter" but mine has been kinda low.  Something about this story always stirs me.  The one thing I can say I learned this year is HIS faithfulness.   He is available.  I just need to reach out and touch HIM.  It's not just about being in HIS presence.

During the holidays I have found myself in the crowds of people desperate, drawing in that deep breath.  Turning on my worship music last night, I reached out.  My outward circumstances may not change.  But my heart finds peace and rest at the feet of Papa God! When you are surrounded by "the masses" and it seems as if the world is going on without you, just reach out to HIM and hold on. 

Crossroads

Well, it seems that this journey to our little one(s) can be bumpy more than smooth.  I cling to Romans 8:28 and 2Cor. 4:17&18 right now.  Refining is a good description!  I just heard back from our agency about the directions we can take and we have a lot of questions we have to ask ourselves and also need to hear from the Lord on!

Please pray for us! Its not easy to ask these questions and we want to be led by the Lord.  Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't yearn to hold these little ones in my arms.  I know some may avoid my posts because of how much I am putting on facebook about adoption and stories of specific orphans.  Truth is, I have thought about orphans since I was 15.   Now it just burns in my heart.  I am an advocate for teen moms, women in crisis and orphans.  Its my "soap box"! Some may say I have been on my soap box a little too much.  I can't help it!   Having been to Mexico and India, inside the orphanages, looking into those beautiful eyes messes you up.  I can close my eyes and still see their faces.  Thanks so much for reading my blog and for loving me through this.  Your support is priceless!  Please pray for us as we face another challenge.  I pray that this Christmas and New Year's is so full of love and laughter for you! And that you make many wonderful memories and hold each other tight!

Niagra Falls for Christmas!

Its been a while.  I have thought about posting something for a couple of weeks but I just haven't had the strength.  Holidays can be hard.  Whether you have lost a child, young or older, or struggle because your arms have been empty, this time of year can be so tough.  I have tried to prepare my heart because I knew it was coming, but to no avail they are here and I am struggling. The difference from last year and this year is I am talking about it and seeking counseling.  It is helping but it doesn't stop the tears.  So every time I have sat down to write, I just got overwhelmed.  So much has gone on the past couple of years for precious friends and family.  Loved ones leaving us for heaven.  So much loss and hurt.

I hope that you are not walking through any of this as you read my blog, but I know that there are more walking through heartache than not right now.  My heart is hurting with you.  I am just so "dang" emotional! Its not just that my womb is broken, or the two babies that seemed so close to being in my arms aren't.  It's not just that I see and read about these little ones who have no mommy and are hurting.  Or that I want to be a mommy and the doors just aren't opening or keep shutting. Its deeper.

Ps. 42: 7-8 say "Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.  By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me a prayer to the God of  my life."

Having a child put in my arms at this very moment will not bring the deep satisfaction and healing that my heart needs.  Its deeper. This verse has always been beautiful to me.  I used to see it as sweet but have you ever seen a waterfall?  Niagra falls? Or been in the ocean when the waves are so rough and high? It isnt pleasant. Can you imagine being swept over by Niagra falls or the Tsunami waves? Scarey thought huh? And after the waves have peaked and all the stuff on the bottom gets brought to the surface it doesn't seem so lovely. Thats what I feel.  A deep calling to the Deep parts of Him.  All this stuff being brought to the surface. Its not pretty.  Beliefs that have been developed because of experience, not based on sunday school lessons but the hard lessons of life.  Most of which DO NOT line up with God's word. But the in the verse it goes on to say the He directs his love by day and His song is with me in the night. 

This verse speaks so much more to me now.  A sweet friend called on a not so good day and asked if I wanted to see Chris Tomlin that night.  If you know me, you know I am not spontaneous AT ALL! It was 5:00 p.m. and the concert started at 7 I think.  Matts was at a football game so I text him said I was going.  Didn't know what to expect but I had that deep calling feeling going on.

When we get there, Luis Giglio stepped on stage and shared God's answer to that deep calling. Please google Luis Giglio and his message about the symphony in the stars. It is a MUST SEE! But in a nutshell he shared with us how stars in the universe actually make sounds! And then he shared with us the song of whales when migrating to Hawaii.  He read Psalm 148 where it says "Praise the Lord from the heavens, Praise Him in the heights above.....Praise Him sun and moon, Praise Him all you shining stars.  Praise Him, you highest heavens...... Praise the Lord from the earth, you great sea creatures and all ocean depths.." And then he did a mash up of all the sounds made in the heavens and in the sea with the song "How great is our God".  The crowd began to worship and it was like a lightening bolt hit my soul.  In that moment I felt we were in unison with the universe and creation singing praises to God! So powerful!! 

Now God has this magnificent symphony in His creation.  I am sure it is such a beautiful thing for Him to hear and the sound of the host of heaven singing His praises constantly.  So He doesn't need our praises.  Yet we have something that all of creation doesn't in their worship.  A song of redemption.  We were created in His image with a will to choose.  When we choose to humble ourselves and open our hearts to Him, He delights in the symphony of the redeemed.  

I remembered sitting in youth at Bethany World Prayer Center in Baker, Lousiana, and Brother Tony was preaching on the cross.  I asked the Lord why did He died for us when He could have just started all over again.  I heard the Lord say " He made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21).  I did not have my bible open. It was His still small voice that spoke to me.  I remember being stunned that I had asked Him a question in my heart and He answered. And His answer resounded that night at the Chris Tomlin concert.

This is what Christmas is about. 2Corinthians 5:21.  His perfect gift.  This answer to the deep longing in my heart has truly helped me focus and "make it through" this season.  Tears still come.  I am uber emotional.  I cry for my friends and family and for the orphans.  I cry because my heart is sad and still hurts.  But I have this hope. His song in the night!

How do YOU wait?

Looking around the room I see a mom trying to entertain her toddler, a gentleman playing on his phone, and in the corner an elderly man reading a newspaper.  Sitting in a waiting room can be entertaining as you observe how people wait.  Working in a doctor's office at the front desk you get a close look at how people "wait".  There are those that will sigh loudly as the clock ticks.  Some have their noses in a book.  Then there is my favorite person whose head is cocked back, mouth open on the verge of a snore!!

How do you wait?  To be honest, I am not very good at it.  I am the one who looks at the clock.  I will try to read a magazine or play on my phone but I am always watching the clock!  I don't like waiting.  Waiting is exactly where I am right now.  After prayer and talking with Matt, the answer we feel  through prayer and discussion is "Wait". 

What I do with my "wait" is important.  The more I sigh and stare at the clock, the slower the hands on the clock move.  If I sleep through the wait, I may miss out on something! The Lord knows on my own I cannot wait quietly!!  Yet I feel that in this wait, I need to be alert and quiet myself .  There is a reward in knowing HIM in this waiting.  There is a treasure to discover in this wait.  Learning something more about Papa God and letting Him change, renew and keep me in this wait.  He isn't saying "no", just "not yet".

Zephaniah 3:16-17, "Do not fear; Zion, let not your hands be weak.  The Lord your God is in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

I don't know if you are being asked to wait on your blessing or an answer to prayer, but I hope that in your waiting you find that He will quiet you with His love. I hope you hear in your heart the song of rejoicing He sings over you as you wait in Him.

Do you feel that?

Their deep brown eyes sparkled and they laughed in delight to see such fair skinned Americans!  To them it was probably like meeting a movie star!  These sweet little ones surrounded us and just wanted to be loved on and cuddled.  The room was cold and stale and yet their little faces just shined as we played with them and toted them around on our shoulders.  I was so privileged to go to Mexico during my time in bible college and one of my favorite memories are loving on those precious babies in that orphanage.

It only took one time visiting the fatherless and holding their little hands for me to become hooked! My heart will forever be smitten.  I don't know how many people visit this blog but I do wonder how many have felt that same tug.  The gnawing feeling you get when you see the faces of children on those commercials about third world countries that need help feeding the helpless.  After being there and seeing the faces of orphans in Mexico and India, I can still close my eyes and their smiles almost haunt me.  I can hear their laughter and my heart still aches.

I have been researching a lot lately and it is impossible to know exactly how many orphans there are in the world.  Recent studies show there are between 143,000,000 and 210,000,000 orphans in the world!!!! I cannot fathom that many little ones without  a home of their own or a mommy and daddy to love on them and treasure them!!

In orphanages all over the world, children "age out" of the system and have no where to go.  I have read ( I did not take the time for footnotes, sorry researchers out there!) that some will fall into drugs and become thieves, some will be sold into sex trafficking.

Not everyone is called to adoption.  I know that.  I believe more of us are called but haven't surrendered to that drawing deep in our hearts.  There are many ways to help the fatherless!
There are those God will lead to adopt, those who will financially support, those who will love by sending gifts to precious little ones.  There are those who can impact by fostering here in the states.

There are opportunities all around us.  I hope that I can be someone who will shine a light on this path to the Fatherless.  Jesus said in Matthew 18:5, "Whoever receives on little child like this in My name receives Me."  If you feel that tug on your heart or just want to know more about adoption, I would be glad to answer any questions.  Please feel free to email me at hickey_jenny@yahoo.com.

I can relate.

Imagine him holding his breath, jaw on the floor.  He couldn't find the words or any strength in his body to move.  He had heard rumors but didn't believe it.  He had been hiding and depressed and hearing those rumors only rubbed salt in the wounds.  Flashbacks of all that he had seen, places he had been with Him and the the unforgettable sound of His voice that had echoed in Thomas' heart.  Now in front of him stood his very reason for living these past 3 years.  Jesus.

I can identify with Thomas the most out of all of the disciples.  He saw all the miracles.  He heard the words that burned like a fire in all of their hearts.  He walked where Jesus walked, slept where Jesus slept.  But he still didn't believe it when he was told Jesus had risen.  I can only imagine the brokenness and humility that Thomas felt when Jesus told him to touch His side and feel the scars in his hands.  I believe that the rebuke Jesus gave was so full of love.

The bible doesn't give us much about Thomas after that and his reputation will forever be "doubting Thomas".  I actually can't wait to talk to him when I get to heaven.  What an impact that must of had on him!  I am not sure why more wasn't written about what type of ministry he had or how he used that experience to reach others with the good news.

Jesus told him that whoever believes without seeing would be blessed.  I have seen God do amazing, jaw dropping, shouting glory kind of things.  But I think when Jesus died on the cross, Thomas felt his purpose die.  I am sure that Thomas had other connections and other things he could do that had his purpose attached to it.  But the very person he believed in had been murdered and he didn't even try to stick by Jesus' side! 

Looking into those eyes so full of love and fire, I imagine communicated more than Jesus' last recorded statement to Thomas.  His purpose was not dead.  His purpose was more alive! 

Now I know that my purpose is not solely to be a parent.  And I know that there is so much more to my life than just adopting or naturally carrying a child.  But I can relate to that feeling that what you thought was true ended up turning out different.  Thomas got his answer a lot quicker than we have.  Nonetheless, the death, burial and the grave in the beginning seemed to be the end.  But we all know it was just the beginning and through it we can experience true freedom!  I feel in the same way, the end of this adoption, with this couple is not the end.  It is only the beginning.  And through this we are going to experience more freedom.  That sweet little baby girl in Hope's arms tonite does not belong to me.  In fact she doesn't belong to Hope or Jeremiah.  She belongs to Papa God. 

I wrote her a letter today.  I told her how much we love her and how excited we were and how sad we are.  I pray that her mommy and daddy will treasure her EVERY DAY and that they will follow Jesus whole-heartedly.  Then one day lead her to Jesus.  I pray her innocence is kept pure until God brings her soul mate.  I pray she finds joy and peace and becomes a bright light for God's kindgom.  And then I released her to the Lord, because she never belonged to me anyway.  She always belonged to HIM.

Letting go and prayers for the fatherless

I remember sitting at the kitchen table with tears of frustration streaming down my face.  I loved math in school, but I could not figure out how to do this problem! And if I couldn't figure this one out the next ten were just like it!!  My dad was good at math but didn't finish highschool.  I didn't want to ask for help, I wanted to do it on my own! I like to figure it out on my own.  I am still like that today.  I will be tinkering with something and get frustrated.  Matt will ask if he can see it and I won't relinquish until I am ready to throw it!  I am stubborn.  I am independent.  If I can't figure something out or understand, I get frustrated and upset.  This is how I have been feeling this past week.  I just can't figure it out.  I recognize my need to control my situation is the very thing God is working on.  In order to find peace, I must place it in His hands.  It sounds so easy to do as I type this, but IT'S NOT! 

BUT, HIS WORD STANDS.  WHEN EVERY THING ELSE FADES, HIS WORD STANDS.  So I am retraining my 'stinking thinking'!  I am realizing the moments I am getting frustrated and taking that time to pray and speak with my mouth that this belongs to Jesus.  My life, my family, my future!  I may sound like a broken record but I am just being real.

We went to see Courageous tonite.  Incredible movie about the Father heart of God and a wonderful example of God's desire for family!  We both cried.  We can identify with heartbreak.  But letting God take the heartbreak and bring a Revolution! I hope God uses the heartbreaks we have faced to bring life in the lives of others.

This movie makes me want to be a parent even more!!!!  I can't wait! Matt loved it too and can't wait to implement things he learned from this movie as he becomes a daddy! 

This Sunday is orphan Sunday.  I hope that those who read this blog will take time to pray for the fatherless this Sunday.  You can go to DHR's website: http://www.adoptuskids.org/  or check out Lifeline adoption agencies waiting children list at http://www.lifelineadoption.org/ (some waiting children list are password protected).  Please pray for these angels.  Somewhere this is a little one or an older child whose heart is breaking because they just want to be loved by a mommy and daddy.  I don't know which direction God will take us for adoption, but I do believe we will be adopting internationally someday.

Trust is the issue.

 I have missed talking to Hope and seeing her and Jeremiah! We had become very close.  Who knows! God may have brought them into our lives for friendship and for us to pour into them the love that Father God has given us! 

I don't know how to really put it into words.  My heart yearns just to love.  Love my family and friends.  Love the lost.  Love children.  I know that God put the heart of a mommy in me.  He put the heart of a daddy in Matt.  I was listening to a teaching cd on trust.  It really opened my eyes to how much I don't trust God with areas in my life.

I want to trust.  Its not easy.  I think that is why Jesus said we need to be like little children.  You tell them something and they believe it with all they have.  No analyzing. No second thought.  Their sweet honesty and trusting hearts are precious.  And Jesus tells us to come to Him as a little child. 

Sometimes I wish I could just crawl up in Papa God's lap and just listen.  To take in all that He has to say and just believe it with all that is in me.  I have to retrain my thinking!  The one thing about being an adult that stinks is that you analyze or think about the risks so much, its hard to believe God's word for your own personal situation.  It seems easy to believe for others.  But in the middle of chaos and heartbreak it's not as easy for me to believe for me.

I am filling my house with praise and worship just about 24/7.  I am listening to teaching cd's because I want so much to be full of faith and worship.  I know it stinks to walk through these difficult times, but I know it is in these moments that we draw closer to Him.  And I believe that in our valleys we grow.  In our brokenness, His healing makes us truly whole.  The areas that we thought were fine, we discover were not as complete as we thought.  Its in these moments that we learn the most, love the most and we can really see HIS heart.  He is near those who have a broken heart.  He never leaves us.  He says to cast all our cares on Him because He cares for us.  Jesus my good shepherd. 

Being still is hard to do.

I have had some not so good days lately.  Which is ok.  I need to grieve.  I tend to try to be strong for everyone else but I know I am not any good for anyone else if I don't take care of myself.  My way of coping is to plan or try to find another solution.  But I feel strongly the Lord asking us to wait.  I don't know what He has in store for us.  I do know we are going to continue to fundraise for an adoption.  I am just not clear if it will be a domestic or international.

We both tend to want something "new" when we have had a failure with either getting pregnant or an adoption not working out.  When my sister in law was pregnant with my "honey-b", Matt convinced me we needed a more macho dog!! So..... we got Kadie! If that isn't an opposite I don't know what is! She is definitely prissy not macho! Haha!  So she became our new baby.  We have 3 furbabies!  Our counselor said one day, "You know the dogs represent your desire for children?".  LOL! Yep!  They are pretty rotten!  After each failure we seem to rush to get something new to help us deal with the loss.  I know its just a coping thing and its not going to really make me feel better long term.  Its a very temporary fix.

So.......we cannot afford more dogs! ( I would be a crazy woman to try!)  Instead Matt and I did a little early Christmas shopping.  In fact I think I am going to go ahead and wrap them up this week!  I think this time we chose a much healthier outlet because I found some incredible deals!! 

Waiting is hard.  I like to plan.  I like to have a goal to work towards.  But I hear Jesus calling me to come and sit at His feet.  I know He has some wonderful, comforting and life-changing things to show me.  I just have to be still.  Again, I want to express how grateful we are for all your prayers and support.  We can really feel it.  So blessed to have each and everyone of you as apart of our lives and this journey we are on!

Responsibility doesn't belong to me

I remember making my bed as a 4 year old.  I even vaguely remember the orange colored comforter ( what were my parents thinking?! ; )   I have always been responsible.  My sister was born when I was 4 then my brother was born 2 years later.  I was a little mommy trying to boss them and take care of them.  To this day I still carry some sense of responsibility for them.  I helped take care of my grandmothers when they were sick.  From an early age I have taken responsibility and done it well.

I struggled today.  I feel responsible.  Responsible that people were let down because this adoption didn't go through.  Responsible that they changed their minds.  The words a dear friend shared with me in a difficult time ring in my ears. "You are not responsible for their actions."  It was when I realized that I wasn't responsible that God was able to move for me in a very difficult time and I was able to release it to the Lord to move in the situation.

Today, I realized that I feel responsible for God's action or inactivity.  I see where I am carrying the burden that God didn't come through and I am responsible for it.  Matt and I were talking about all this and it hit me: "I am not responsible for how God works.  I am not responsible for how He chooses to work.  I am not responsible if He chooses not to move in a certain direction."!  I know this probably sounds crazy but for those people like me who have carried the weight of responsibilities on their shoulders their entire life,  it is easy to take "blame" for how things turn out.

My job is to believe.  Not to make it happen.  Just believe.  HE makes it happen.  HIS word makes it happen. And if I believe and it doesn't happen like everyone thinks it should, I am not responsible.   I have been holding back breakthrough in my life because I have put boundaries on my breakthroughs.  In Matthew 12 the people were asking Jesus to give them a sign.  They wanted miracles and Jesus said you ask for a sign but the only sign you will see will the the sign of Jonah being in the belly of the whale for 3 days.  He was talking about his death and resurrection.  They couldn't see the true miracle because they were basically telling Jesus how and what they wanted Him to move instead of believing in Him and letting Him reveal Himself.  They were trying to put boundaries on Jesus!  He was moving in a way no one expected.

Taking a deep breath,  Release. Lord I release my "responsibility" in how you want to move.  I recognize all I need to do is believe.  Please forgive me for putting limitations on you.  Please have your way completely.

Timely Text

I have made a decision that I will not let this consume me.  Last year when we lost baby Canaan through the failed adoption I was so consumed with grief that it was difficult during the holidays.  I didn't even want to celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving.  I know it was only God that pulled me out of that depression.  I am choosing NOT to let the enemy beat me down like that again!!!!  Matt and I were praying this morning about our grief and the mourning process.  We were praying blessings and that God would speak to our hearts.  I don't know if domestic adoption is for us.  Maybe we are not meant to have a newborn or an infant.  I don't know if God has called us to adopt an older child or calling  us to international adoption today instead of a few years down the road.  We prayed that God would open our hearts and our eyes to see what HE has for us.  One thing I do know is that we are called to be parents.  The deep desire that is in both our hearts is too strong and I know that God has put that there.  I don't understand HIS ways but I trust that HIS ways are way better than mine and I believe that the blessing of children is for us.

After Matt left for work I sat down to drink my coffee and I received a text.  I have so many wonderful Godly women in my life.  Some I don't even get to see but they check in and encourage me often.  My friend sent this timely text and I know it was God speaking to us after our morning time of prayer.  This is the message I received:

"THE PROOF OF DESIRE IS PURSUIT! Remembering that God wants to put desire in the spirits of broken people, be aware that there wouldn't be any desire if there weren't any relationship.  You can't desire something that's not there!  The very fact that you have a desire is in itself an indication that BETTER DAYS ARE COMING! EXPECT SOMETHING WONDERFUL TO HAPPEN! Meditate on Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself also in the Lord; He shall give you the desires of your heart.  Surrender everything to the Lord.  Today give everything to Jesus Christ.  He's been waiting just for you.  You are special, beautifully made in His image.  Walk in purpose.  Your latter days are greater than your past.  The best, your best is yet to come!!!  May triple favor be upon you.  Do things God's way.  Watch Him shower you with His love and blessings."

I want you to know that this friend is not a friend on facebook and also does not know anything about this adoption.  She has no idea what we have just walked through.  I just told our family in September and didn't start fundraising but a few weeks ago.  I hadn't had a chance to tell her yet.  WOW! is all I can say.  Such an encouragement to us both.  I pray that God uses this blog to encourage you or someone you know walking through brokenness or disappointment.  I know GOD is going to be glorified through mine and Matt's life.  My heart is encouraged today.  Just that simple reminder that He hears us and He is answering.  I feel like I just got a bear hug from my Papa God!

Wet noses and grief

We both sat in our living room sobbing last night and one little wet nose and one BIG wet nose brushed our hands.  Its amazing how my little buddies Harley and Kadie, our daschund and great dane, know when we are hurting and always try to comfort us.  In fact anytime we are upset Kadie and Harley will both try to sit in our laps.  Journaling has always been an outlet for me so I have decided to continue the blog.  After a long discussion we have promised one another that we are not going to act on impulse.  So we are not going to get rid of anything we had bought and made for Ellie.  We had also already decided we were going to keep our adoption savings account open.  We will donate a portion of the tshirt money to the orphanage in the Ukraine.  I have been to orphanages in foreign countries and my heart burns for those precious little ones.  I believe one day God is going to bless us enough financial that we will be able to adopt internationally.

We feel your prayers.  I want so much to get answers from the Lord.  I don't understand the broken path that we have been on.  When it seems like all things are going along perfectly and you "feel" the confirmation from the Lord.  Not only did we seem to feel it but also the birthmom expressed she felt that way and told us so more than once.  I waited so long to even mention to family about this adoption.  And I was terrified to make it this public because this was my worst fear.  I know it is silly to feel so silly for having shared with the world  our story and then for it not to go through.  Especially when we announce that we felt strongly that the Lord was in it.  I know there are so many answers to that statement and I am sure one of them is the right one.  Right now its just hard to wrap my head around it. 

It hurts.  We never imagined it could happen again.  But I was reminded something this morning as I was praying.  I am doing that pretty constant.  Almost every breath.  James Dobson wrote a book that I haven't yet finished but has made an impact on me.  "When God doesn't make sense"  This is an insert that echoes in my mind:

"If you find yourself on that dusty road to Emmaus today, and the circumstances in your life have left you confused and depressed, I have a word of counsel for you.  Never assume God's silence or apparent inactivity is evidence of His disinterest.  Let me say it again.  Feelings about His inaccessibility mean nothing! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! HIS WORD IS INFINITELY MORE RELIABLE THAN OUR SPOOKY EMOTIONS.  Rev. Reubin Welch, a minister and author, once said, "With God, even when nothing is happening---something is happening." It is true.  The Lord is at work in His own unique way even when our prayers seem to echo back from an empty universe."

Please continue to pray for us.  We love you all and appreciate all your love and support.  I don't know how but I feel God is going to use our story to bring HIM glory.  And I pray that our journey will be a blessing, encouragement and a strength to those who may find themselves in brokenness.  God said in His word that He is near those of a broken and contrite heart.  I cling to this.

Love is a risk.

I stood in the bathroom at our dorm, crying on my friend Charity's shoulder.  My heart had been broken and in hurt I said "I'm not going to allow my heart to love like this again!"  Charity held me tight and said "Jenny, Love is risk and God wants us to love."  Those words have come to me several times since that conversation. 

With a broken heart and tear stained face I sit here typing this.  This week one year ago we were in the adoption process for a baby boy and I got the phone call from the birthmom that she changed her mind.  Fear gripped me today when our attorney called and shared the news that Hope and Jeremiah had contacted the social worker to say they had changed their minds and wanted to parent.  First let me say that placing your child for adoption has to be one of the MOST DIFFICUlT decisions.  Hope and Jeremiah both are loving and wonderful people.  I AM NOT ANGRY.  We are heartbroken.  This is a loss for us.  We had already had a challenging past two weeks with work stuff and fill in the blank stuff. 

Thank you to everyone who have supported us with the Eliana project.  We love Hope, Jeremiah and baby Eliana so much.  She has not been born yet.  We continue to pray for them.  Right now we are in the grieving process.  Once again we have an empty nursery.  It might be hard for some to understand but this is a loss.  We will not be bringing a baby girl home from the hospital.

For those who have given monetary donations, if you would like your donation refunded please contact me.  I will put my information at the end of this post.  For those who bought tshirts or participated in our photo session fundraiser, we will be donating the money to children care packages in the Ukraine. I know of an adoptive mom who is heading this up and am about to contact her.  If you made a monetary donation and want it to go to the Ukraine orphanage please let me know as well.

I know for a while this is going to be a difficult time for us.  We have counselors we are going to be seeing.  We are not giving up the dream of adoption, just taking time to heal.  Please pray for us.  Times like these fill us with questions.  Those who are close,  I know it feels awkard because you may not know what to say.  I ask please just love on us and let us bring up the topic when we are ready to talk about it.  Its difficult to discuss such deep emotion when you are not ready to share with others.  We love you all.  We love Hope and Jeremiah.  We know God's got us in His hands.
My number is 329-3770,  my address is 1001 Hillsboro Lane, Helena, Al 35080 and my email is hickey_jenny@yahoo.com if you need to contact me concerning your monetary donation.

Tear stained t-shirt

What a wonderful, gorgeous, blessed and emotional day.  I sit hear with tears streaming down my face in gratitude.  I am thankful to my Papa God who has brought so many people in our lives who love us and we feel such an outpouring of support.  Today we did out photo session fundraiser and it was AMAZING!  Seeing all the beautiful families come out and support us and their precious smiles!! All of the pictures came out perfect! Thank you to my sister Renea and friend Jamie who were our talented photographers!

I also got to see most of my nieces and nephews today.  That always fills my heart with so much joy!  Ever since I found out about their conceptions I have been in love with them.  I am so blessed to be apart of their lives and to have been their with their mommies and daddies throughout the pregnancies and their births.  I cannot put into words truly how my heart loves them! They are my world!

And now as we get closer to this little angel, Eliana, coming into our lives I can't help but get emotional.  I have had the privilege of going to baby doctor appointments with Hope and hearing Eliana's heart beat.  I have seen her move inside of Hope's tummy.  I am so in love already!!! To have the outpouring of support through this process from each and everyone of you has left me speechless.  I have no words, just a tear stained tshirt.

Shepherd of my soul

I have been meditating on all the events that have led up to this time in my life.  There have been ups and downs.  We have cried many tears and celebrated many victories.  One phrase has resignated in my mind.  " I am the good shepherd..."  My prayers and hopes are that this blog will bring encouragement to those who may be walking a similar path and to also uplift others who in walking their own paths and have faced disappointments, heartaches and breakthroughs.

John 10:1-5 says: "The shepherd walks right up to the gate.  The gatekeeper opens the gate to Him and the sheep recognize His voice.  He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.  When He gets them all out, He leads them and they follow because they are familiar with His voice.  They won't follow a stranger's voice but will scatter because they aren't used to the sound of it."

Looking back on moments when I was confused by my circumstances and asking why I had to walk through such heartbreak, I see where I "scattered".  In those moments when I felt so alone and the "voices" of doubt echoed, I felt lost.

"I am the good shephard."  Its hard for us to relate to a shephard since it isnt an occupation we are familiar with in this nation. Even the disciples didn't get it at first. Then next few versus reads: "Jesus told them this simple story, but they had no idea what he was talking about. So He tried again. 'I'll be explicit, then.  I am the Gate for the sheep.  All those others are up to no good--sheep stealers, everyone of them.  But the sheep didn't listen to them.  I am the Gate.  Anyone who goes through me will be cared for--will freely go in and out, and find pasture."

When I pass the pasture near my home and see the animals grazing, they honestly don't look like they worry if the pasture is still going to be there tomorrow.  The one thing that sticks out to me as I reflect is how we as His sheep will be cared for and go freely in and out and find pasture!  I have felt abandoned before.  I know the feeling of loneliness and not knowing what to expect next.  But Jesus also says in this passage that His sheep know His voice and He leads His sheep.  A voice of a stranger causes the sheep to scatter.  In the times I "scattered", its not because I was abandoned.  Its the "voice" I was listening to.  Jesus as the good shepherd cares and leads us to freedom and provides a place of restoration.  When I feel abandoned, lonely, scared, helpless.....Which voice am I listening to?  Jesus is the Shepherd to my soul.  My emotions, my thoughlife, my will.  As I listen to His voice, even when there wolves in sheeps clothing or thieves that try to scatter, I don't have to be afraid.  He is the good shepherd of my soul!

Hurry up and wait!

Well last Monday Hope's doctor told her she probably isn't going to last 2 weeks.  This of course sent me into a frenzy.  You know the kind of frenzy that you make more messes than you get cleaned up!!! And...... Still no baby.  I am not complaining because I want Eliana to bake as long as she needs.  Now I am debating whether I paint her room or wait til after she is here to start such a project.  She will be in a bassinett in our room for a little bit anyhow so we would have time if I wanted to!  Part of me wants to make her room so pretty and whimsical with butterflies fluttering across her walls and a flower garden growing up the walls!  Then another part of me knows that one project always unlocks 5 more projects!! What to do!  It has been my dream to decorate our child's room.  Still debating!  But for now, I must hurry up and wait!  Matt is acting like a kid waiting for Christmas morning! He probably asks me atleast twice a day, "When is she going to get here? I thought the doctor said it would be soon?".  I don't know who is more excited!  We have a baby dr. appointment tomorrow.  I am excited to see if there is any progress but in the mean time, I will debate with myself..... To paint or not to paint?!?!

Ephesians 1:3-6 Message Bible

"How blessed is GOD! and what a blessing He is!  He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in Him.  Long before He laid down the earth's foundations, He had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of His love, to be made whole and holy by His love.  Long, long ago He decided to adopt us into His family through Jesus Christ.  (what a pleasure He took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of His lavish gift-giving by the hand of His beloved Son."

In the Waiting.

Waiting.  In our drive through, commercial filled, fast paced society waiting is difficult.  It is something I have struggled with for a long time.  Many times I have asked God in prayer, "When _____?"  I am sure most of us can fill in that blank with something that we have been waiting for, longing for, praying for.  In prayer and bible study this morning I read something that jumped off the pages.  I love when that happens reading God's word!! 

"When they were together for the last time they asked, "Master, are you going to restore the kingdom to Israel now? Is this the time?"  He told them, "You don't get to know the time.  Timing is the Father's business.  What you'll get is the Holy Spirit.  And when the Holy Spirit comes on you, you will be able to be my witness in Jerusalem, all over Judea and Samaria, even to the ends of the world." Acts 1:6-8

That is not the answer they were looking for! There is so much in these few verses!! But I heard God speak to me that all the times I ask "when?" He wants me to ask for the Holy Spirit!!  The point is not timing.  Although in America we are really hung up on timing!  The point is that in the waiting He has given us His Holy Spirit to be a witness! IN THE WAITING!!!!  The purpose in our lives as we walk with Jesus is not for everything we want to come about in our time and be tied up with a pretty little bow and handed to us! Honestly, I am not sure I would have made it as a good follower of Jesus in bible times!  I think we have lost sight of being HIS disciple.   

Acts 1:6-8 were Jesus' last words! I take someone's last words as pretty important! Whatever you are waiting for, whether it be the prodigal coming home, a child, a breakthrough or healing, take this word to heart!  Pray to be filled with His Holy Spirit.  Release the timing to the Father.  Let Him use you as a witness to all those around you.  The impact the disciples made when the Holy Spirit came was exponential!  Be encouraged!  The Father has got the timing under control!!  His word is TRUE, FAITHFUL AND ALWAYS ACCOMPLISHES WHAT HE SENT IT TO DO!! 

God's writing our story!

We are all open books to be read by all men.  I am sure you have heard the book title 'When God writes you love story' and heard sermons on letting God write your story.  I love books and love to read about other's adventures and their lives! The thought that our lives are a story is exciting to me!

 I was thinking about this adoption journey we have been on and how we got to this place. To begin the adoption process, there is A LOT of paperwork and interviews and tests and money and emotions!!!!  I remember when we began moving towards adoption and hearing all the things it entailed, and the overwhelming feeling of "Can we do this?".  It was right after I asked that question that every scripture I read was about adoption!  In one day it was like God was saying "SURRENDER, I'VE GOT THIS!" So I began to research different types of adoption and foster care.  I read about international, domestic, fostering to adopt and began to look up the difference between open and closed adoptions.  Looking back, the more I surrendered and let God lead us, the clearer the journey became! 

Today I can see how God used even the heartbreaks and disappointments to prepare us.  I am so humbled and thankful that God is writing our story!  We get to be apart of sweet Eliana's story!  Written by GOD himself! All because we surrendered.  It wasn't easy and there were days we did resist because of our emotions.   I see now just the beginnings of this story unfolding!  What a beautiful gift we are being given and what amazing role we have.

A little bit about open adoption

I wanted to share a little more about open adoption and all the benefits! Its kind of a "soap box" for me so I will try to keep it light and informative : ) !!  The story of Moses is a great example of an open adoption.  Moses' mother was put in a position she could not raise Moses safely.  She trusted God with her son and he was adopted by Pharoah's daughter but she needed someone to nurse him so God made the provision for Moses' birthmom to be apart of his life.  I believe that God saw his mother's heart and orchestrated this open adoption because God himself is the creator of adoption!!!!  In the same way, there are birthmothers who are not in a position to raise their unborn child safely.  It may be finances, relationship issues, maturity, timing or addiction that brings a birthmom to make one of the most the courageous, selfless and loving decision ever made!  Whatever the circumstances, a biological mother is a mother and 99.9% of the time she is in love with her unborn child.  If there are not threats to the well being of the baby, having a relationship with the birthmom I feel (based on talking with those who have participated in open adoption and through personal research) is healthy for the child and biological parents.  The mystery of "where did I come from?" is answered and the birthmother's/birthparents' concern for the well being of her/their child and its safety is put at ease.  In voluntary adoptions, the journey should not feel like a punishment.  I feel it should be a celebration of growth for both the birthparents and the adoptive parents.  There is no easy equation of what an open adoption looks like!  Its as unique as the individuals! But I know adoption is God's heart and I believe open adoption is also close to His heart!

Surprise and air purifiers!

It felt like the pounding of my heart was echoing in the room!  We heard the news today that Eliana could be here as soon as next week! Doc thinks Hope isn't going to last much longer and she has already started dialating!  WOW!  The room is spinning!!! So much to do!!  What to do first?........ I NEED AIR PURIFIERS!!!  I have no idea why this is the  most urgent thing on my list but apparently the air that Matt and I breath isn't good enough for this little girl!!! So I purchased them and my local Target and I have them running!! I guess I need even the air to be clean before she gets home haha!  But seriously, I am overwhelmed with so many emotions! Joy about finally meeting her and fear about what in the world am I going to do!!!  Excitement I can barely stay in my own skin and anxiety to get a lot of stuff done TONITE!! Haha!  Ofcourse, we still have no idea when she will come, we just know soon.  My birthday is Monday.... you never know! pray for Hope and Ellie's birthfather I will call Jeremiah (because God has got some amazing plans for his life!) and for Eliana and US!!!  Thanks so much for your support!!  We will definitely do better at keeping the blog updated and we are continuing our fundraising efforts.  We are getting closer!!

Fundraising!!!

Five weeks!!!! Five weeks until little Eliana is due! Now whether she comes early or later, only she and the heavenly father knows!  Since beginning this blog we have raised already $200!  That leaves $7,800 more to go!  One thing I will never forget, is how God has always provided for me.  Some may think I am crazy because of the story I am about to tell you. 

My family struggled financially my whole life.  I remember when my baby brother was about 5 or 6 and we didn't have much money, not even enough to buy groceries.  My parents had stopped and Dove's grocery store in Montevallo and saw a beautiful elderly lady.  My parents went into the store to buy hot dogs for dinner but felt prompted to give the last $20 they had to this sweet lady.  To make you realize how financially challenged we were, we lived in a 1 bedroom shell of a house in Pearidge.  It had a wood heater in the main room, a kitchen, a bathroom and their were 2 porches that had been converted to bedrooms with no insulation.  There was literally an outhouse in the backyard! And a well in the kitchen!  When you live in a house like this and have no money for valuables along with living in Pearidge, Al.  YOU DO NOT FEEL THE NEED TO LOCK YOUR DOOR! 

When we pulled into the driveway and got out of the car we discovered our front door locked.  Of course we didnt bring the house key so my dad opened the kitchen window and hoisted my little brother in to open the front door.  Inside we saw God's provision and it has impacted my life so profoundly!  Our cupboards and refrigerator were FULL of groceries!!!!  Some may say"'well somebody did that, thats impossible".  Whether or not you may believe angels filled our cupboards or someone caring person in flesh and blood did it, DOES IT REALLY MATTER! Whatever the case may be it was an angel who blessed us! And my parents were obedient to the prompting of the Lord to bless that sweet elderly lady.  What is my point to this story?  Well I am encouraging myself by reminding me that God is our ultimate provider.  Also, Matt and I have been prompted by the Lord and responded in obedience and I believe that God will bless us! And I want to say thank you to all of you who are being angels for us in this adoption process!  Keep checking back as we post more on our fundraising efforts and again thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

The story of the pink elephant

To respect the birthmother I am going to give her a different name with meaning.  I will call her Hope. Because of the hope that God has given her for a future and the the hope she places in us to parent her precious child.  We had been communicating on a weekly basis for about a month when I sat in front of my computer and the thought I need to find a girl name overwhelmed me.  Hope would find the gender of the baby soon and we only had a boy name picked out.  So I did some research on Hebrew names because we wanted to give a name that had a special meaning to us.  When I came across the name Eliana I could not get it out of my head so I told matt about it.  Eliana means "God has answered" in Hebrew so we felt it was perfect! 

It wasn't but  a few weeks later Hope found out she was carrying a little girl!  Randomly she texted me asking if we had picked out any girl names yet.  When I texted back the name Eliana she asked me to call her.  Hope said from the moment she found out she was pregnant she knew it would be a girl and had wanted to name her Eliana.  She has two couisins with similar names and she liked the letter 'E'.  Hope then told me of a  stuffed pink elephant she had slept with that she called 'Ellie' and so that pink elephant represented something special to her from the very beginning of her pregnancy.

Only God could place that name in both our hearts!  It was then I felt confirmation from the Lord that He was working in both mine and Hope's heart!  So when I began to prepare for fundraising, I felt it fitting to use 'Ellie' the pink elephant in our logo!

Stars shone and the air was crisp on that fall night.  We had just began our courtship and were learning about each others' hopes and dreams.  When the topic of adoption came up, we were in unison on the idea of growing a family through adoption.  We agreed that along with having biological children we wanted to open our hearts to parenting a child through adoption.  Our hearts were broken after we discovered I was unable to conceive.  The conversation we had on that fall night stirred in both our hearts.  We were sad we may never hear "they have your eyes.", but the dream of adoption became our hearts cry.

We began the adoption process one year ago having no idea all that it entailed.  Now with joy in our hearts,  birthparents have come into our lives!  We have always believed in a semi-open adoptin (where the birthparents and our adopted child have a relationship from the very beginning) is the best for everyone involved.  We are so blessed that these birthparents have a desire to be apart of our family and we have been building a relationship with them for the past 4 months.

As you know, the cost of adoption is very expensive.  That is why we are reaching out to our friends, family and community to help raise support for this wonderful blessing.  Her name is Eliana, which in Hebrew means "God has answered".  She is due October 23,2011.  We believe her life will be a blessing to the world and to everyone whose life she touches.  We are so thankful to the birthparents for this wonderful blessing! 

We have a goal to raise $8,000 to help with the cost of the adoption.  Would you consider being apart of our support team through prayer and giving to The Eliana Project?  We are working on t-shirts, scratch cards, bake sales and doing a raffle for some pretty cool stuff! Please feel free to contact us with questions and keep checking back on the updates with our goal and all the cool things to help raise support for sweet baby Eliana.