We both sat in our living room sobbing last night and one little wet nose and one BIG wet nose brushed our hands. Its amazing how my little buddies Harley and Kadie, our daschund and great dane, know when we are hurting and always try to comfort us. In fact anytime we are upset Kadie and Harley will both try to sit in our laps. Journaling has always been an outlet for me so I have decided to continue the blog. After a long discussion we have promised one another that we are not going to act on impulse. So we are not going to get rid of anything we had bought and made for Ellie. We had also already decided we were going to keep our adoption savings account open. We will donate a portion of the tshirt money to the orphanage in the Ukraine. I have been to orphanages in foreign countries and my heart burns for those precious little ones. I believe one day God is going to bless us enough financial that we will be able to adopt internationally.
We feel your prayers. I want so much to get answers from the Lord. I don't understand the broken path that we have been on. When it seems like all things are going along perfectly and you "feel" the confirmation from the Lord. Not only did we seem to feel it but also the birthmom expressed she felt that way and told us so more than once. I waited so long to even mention to family about this adoption. And I was terrified to make it this public because this was my worst fear. I know it is silly to feel so silly for having shared with the world our story and then for it not to go through. Especially when we announce that we felt strongly that the Lord was in it. I know there are so many answers to that statement and I am sure one of them is the right one. Right now its just hard to wrap my head around it.
It hurts. We never imagined it could happen again. But I was reminded something this morning as I was praying. I am doing that pretty constant. Almost every breath. James Dobson wrote a book that I haven't yet finished but has made an impact on me. "When God doesn't make sense" This is an insert that echoes in my mind:
"If you find yourself on that dusty road to Emmaus today, and the circumstances in your life have left you confused and depressed, I have a word of counsel for you. Never assume God's silence or apparent inactivity is evidence of His disinterest. Let me say it again. Feelings about His inaccessibility mean nothing! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! HIS WORD IS INFINITELY MORE RELIABLE THAN OUR SPOOKY EMOTIONS. Rev. Reubin Welch, a minister and author, once said, "With God, even when nothing is happening---something is happening." It is true. The Lord is at work in His own unique way even when our prayers seem to echo back from an empty universe."
Please continue to pray for us. We love you all and appreciate all your love and support. I don't know how but I feel God is going to use our story to bring HIM glory. And I pray that our journey will be a blessing, encouragement and a strength to those who may find themselves in brokenness. God said in His word that He is near those of a broken and contrite heart. I cling to this.
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