Do you feel that?

Their deep brown eyes sparkled and they laughed in delight to see such fair skinned Americans!  To them it was probably like meeting a movie star!  These sweet little ones surrounded us and just wanted to be loved on and cuddled.  The room was cold and stale and yet their little faces just shined as we played with them and toted them around on our shoulders.  I was so privileged to go to Mexico during my time in bible college and one of my favorite memories are loving on those precious babies in that orphanage.

It only took one time visiting the fatherless and holding their little hands for me to become hooked! My heart will forever be smitten.  I don't know how many people visit this blog but I do wonder how many have felt that same tug.  The gnawing feeling you get when you see the faces of children on those commercials about third world countries that need help feeding the helpless.  After being there and seeing the faces of orphans in Mexico and India, I can still close my eyes and their smiles almost haunt me.  I can hear their laughter and my heart still aches.

I have been researching a lot lately and it is impossible to know exactly how many orphans there are in the world.  Recent studies show there are between 143,000,000 and 210,000,000 orphans in the world!!!! I cannot fathom that many little ones without  a home of their own or a mommy and daddy to love on them and treasure them!!

In orphanages all over the world, children "age out" of the system and have no where to go.  I have read ( I did not take the time for footnotes, sorry researchers out there!) that some will fall into drugs and become thieves, some will be sold into sex trafficking.

Not everyone is called to adoption.  I know that.  I believe more of us are called but haven't surrendered to that drawing deep in our hearts.  There are many ways to help the fatherless!
There are those God will lead to adopt, those who will financially support, those who will love by sending gifts to precious little ones.  There are those who can impact by fostering here in the states.

There are opportunities all around us.  I hope that I can be someone who will shine a light on this path to the Fatherless.  Jesus said in Matthew 18:5, "Whoever receives on little child like this in My name receives Me."  If you feel that tug on your heart or just want to know more about adoption, I would be glad to answer any questions.  Please feel free to email me at hickey_jenny@yahoo.com.

I can relate.

Imagine him holding his breath, jaw on the floor.  He couldn't find the words or any strength in his body to move.  He had heard rumors but didn't believe it.  He had been hiding and depressed and hearing those rumors only rubbed salt in the wounds.  Flashbacks of all that he had seen, places he had been with Him and the the unforgettable sound of His voice that had echoed in Thomas' heart.  Now in front of him stood his very reason for living these past 3 years.  Jesus.

I can identify with Thomas the most out of all of the disciples.  He saw all the miracles.  He heard the words that burned like a fire in all of their hearts.  He walked where Jesus walked, slept where Jesus slept.  But he still didn't believe it when he was told Jesus had risen.  I can only imagine the brokenness and humility that Thomas felt when Jesus told him to touch His side and feel the scars in his hands.  I believe that the rebuke Jesus gave was so full of love.

The bible doesn't give us much about Thomas after that and his reputation will forever be "doubting Thomas".  I actually can't wait to talk to him when I get to heaven.  What an impact that must of had on him!  I am not sure why more wasn't written about what type of ministry he had or how he used that experience to reach others with the good news.

Jesus told him that whoever believes without seeing would be blessed.  I have seen God do amazing, jaw dropping, shouting glory kind of things.  But I think when Jesus died on the cross, Thomas felt his purpose die.  I am sure that Thomas had other connections and other things he could do that had his purpose attached to it.  But the very person he believed in had been murdered and he didn't even try to stick by Jesus' side! 

Looking into those eyes so full of love and fire, I imagine communicated more than Jesus' last recorded statement to Thomas.  His purpose was not dead.  His purpose was more alive! 

Now I know that my purpose is not solely to be a parent.  And I know that there is so much more to my life than just adopting or naturally carrying a child.  But I can relate to that feeling that what you thought was true ended up turning out different.  Thomas got his answer a lot quicker than we have.  Nonetheless, the death, burial and the grave in the beginning seemed to be the end.  But we all know it was just the beginning and through it we can experience true freedom!  I feel in the same way, the end of this adoption, with this couple is not the end.  It is only the beginning.  And through this we are going to experience more freedom.  That sweet little baby girl in Hope's arms tonite does not belong to me.  In fact she doesn't belong to Hope or Jeremiah.  She belongs to Papa God. 

I wrote her a letter today.  I told her how much we love her and how excited we were and how sad we are.  I pray that her mommy and daddy will treasure her EVERY DAY and that they will follow Jesus whole-heartedly.  Then one day lead her to Jesus.  I pray her innocence is kept pure until God brings her soul mate.  I pray she finds joy and peace and becomes a bright light for God's kindgom.  And then I released her to the Lord, because she never belonged to me anyway.  She always belonged to HIM.

Letting go and prayers for the fatherless

I remember sitting at the kitchen table with tears of frustration streaming down my face.  I loved math in school, but I could not figure out how to do this problem! And if I couldn't figure this one out the next ten were just like it!!  My dad was good at math but didn't finish highschool.  I didn't want to ask for help, I wanted to do it on my own! I like to figure it out on my own.  I am still like that today.  I will be tinkering with something and get frustrated.  Matt will ask if he can see it and I won't relinquish until I am ready to throw it!  I am stubborn.  I am independent.  If I can't figure something out or understand, I get frustrated and upset.  This is how I have been feeling this past week.  I just can't figure it out.  I recognize my need to control my situation is the very thing God is working on.  In order to find peace, I must place it in His hands.  It sounds so easy to do as I type this, but IT'S NOT! 

BUT, HIS WORD STANDS.  WHEN EVERY THING ELSE FADES, HIS WORD STANDS.  So I am retraining my 'stinking thinking'!  I am realizing the moments I am getting frustrated and taking that time to pray and speak with my mouth that this belongs to Jesus.  My life, my family, my future!  I may sound like a broken record but I am just being real.

We went to see Courageous tonite.  Incredible movie about the Father heart of God and a wonderful example of God's desire for family!  We both cried.  We can identify with heartbreak.  But letting God take the heartbreak and bring a Revolution! I hope God uses the heartbreaks we have faced to bring life in the lives of others.

This movie makes me want to be a parent even more!!!!  I can't wait! Matt loved it too and can't wait to implement things he learned from this movie as he becomes a daddy! 

This Sunday is orphan Sunday.  I hope that those who read this blog will take time to pray for the fatherless this Sunday.  You can go to DHR's website: http://www.adoptuskids.org/  or check out Lifeline adoption agencies waiting children list at http://www.lifelineadoption.org/ (some waiting children list are password protected).  Please pray for these angels.  Somewhere this is a little one or an older child whose heart is breaking because they just want to be loved by a mommy and daddy.  I don't know which direction God will take us for adoption, but I do believe we will be adopting internationally someday.

Trust is the issue.

 I have missed talking to Hope and seeing her and Jeremiah! We had become very close.  Who knows! God may have brought them into our lives for friendship and for us to pour into them the love that Father God has given us! 

I don't know how to really put it into words.  My heart yearns just to love.  Love my family and friends.  Love the lost.  Love children.  I know that God put the heart of a mommy in me.  He put the heart of a daddy in Matt.  I was listening to a teaching cd on trust.  It really opened my eyes to how much I don't trust God with areas in my life.

I want to trust.  Its not easy.  I think that is why Jesus said we need to be like little children.  You tell them something and they believe it with all they have.  No analyzing. No second thought.  Their sweet honesty and trusting hearts are precious.  And Jesus tells us to come to Him as a little child. 

Sometimes I wish I could just crawl up in Papa God's lap and just listen.  To take in all that He has to say and just believe it with all that is in me.  I have to retrain my thinking!  The one thing about being an adult that stinks is that you analyze or think about the risks so much, its hard to believe God's word for your own personal situation.  It seems easy to believe for others.  But in the middle of chaos and heartbreak it's not as easy for me to believe for me.

I am filling my house with praise and worship just about 24/7.  I am listening to teaching cd's because I want so much to be full of faith and worship.  I know it stinks to walk through these difficult times, but I know it is in these moments that we draw closer to Him.  And I believe that in our valleys we grow.  In our brokenness, His healing makes us truly whole.  The areas that we thought were fine, we discover were not as complete as we thought.  Its in these moments that we learn the most, love the most and we can really see HIS heart.  He is near those who have a broken heart.  He never leaves us.  He says to cast all our cares on Him because He cares for us.  Jesus my good shepherd. 

Being still is hard to do.

I have had some not so good days lately.  Which is ok.  I need to grieve.  I tend to try to be strong for everyone else but I know I am not any good for anyone else if I don't take care of myself.  My way of coping is to plan or try to find another solution.  But I feel strongly the Lord asking us to wait.  I don't know what He has in store for us.  I do know we are going to continue to fundraise for an adoption.  I am just not clear if it will be a domestic or international.

We both tend to want something "new" when we have had a failure with either getting pregnant or an adoption not working out.  When my sister in law was pregnant with my "honey-b", Matt convinced me we needed a more macho dog!! So..... we got Kadie! If that isn't an opposite I don't know what is! She is definitely prissy not macho! Haha!  So she became our new baby.  We have 3 furbabies!  Our counselor said one day, "You know the dogs represent your desire for children?".  LOL! Yep!  They are pretty rotten!  After each failure we seem to rush to get something new to help us deal with the loss.  I know its just a coping thing and its not going to really make me feel better long term.  Its a very temporary fix.

So.......we cannot afford more dogs! ( I would be a crazy woman to try!)  Instead Matt and I did a little early Christmas shopping.  In fact I think I am going to go ahead and wrap them up this week!  I think this time we chose a much healthier outlet because I found some incredible deals!! 

Waiting is hard.  I like to plan.  I like to have a goal to work towards.  But I hear Jesus calling me to come and sit at His feet.  I know He has some wonderful, comforting and life-changing things to show me.  I just have to be still.  Again, I want to express how grateful we are for all your prayers and support.  We can really feel it.  So blessed to have each and everyone of you as apart of our lives and this journey we are on!

Responsibility doesn't belong to me

I remember making my bed as a 4 year old.  I even vaguely remember the orange colored comforter ( what were my parents thinking?! ; )   I have always been responsible.  My sister was born when I was 4 then my brother was born 2 years later.  I was a little mommy trying to boss them and take care of them.  To this day I still carry some sense of responsibility for them.  I helped take care of my grandmothers when they were sick.  From an early age I have taken responsibility and done it well.

I struggled today.  I feel responsible.  Responsible that people were let down because this adoption didn't go through.  Responsible that they changed their minds.  The words a dear friend shared with me in a difficult time ring in my ears. "You are not responsible for their actions."  It was when I realized that I wasn't responsible that God was able to move for me in a very difficult time and I was able to release it to the Lord to move in the situation.

Today, I realized that I feel responsible for God's action or inactivity.  I see where I am carrying the burden that God didn't come through and I am responsible for it.  Matt and I were talking about all this and it hit me: "I am not responsible for how God works.  I am not responsible for how He chooses to work.  I am not responsible if He chooses not to move in a certain direction."!  I know this probably sounds crazy but for those people like me who have carried the weight of responsibilities on their shoulders their entire life,  it is easy to take "blame" for how things turn out.

My job is to believe.  Not to make it happen.  Just believe.  HE makes it happen.  HIS word makes it happen. And if I believe and it doesn't happen like everyone thinks it should, I am not responsible.   I have been holding back breakthrough in my life because I have put boundaries on my breakthroughs.  In Matthew 12 the people were asking Jesus to give them a sign.  They wanted miracles and Jesus said you ask for a sign but the only sign you will see will the the sign of Jonah being in the belly of the whale for 3 days.  He was talking about his death and resurrection.  They couldn't see the true miracle because they were basically telling Jesus how and what they wanted Him to move instead of believing in Him and letting Him reveal Himself.  They were trying to put boundaries on Jesus!  He was moving in a way no one expected.

Taking a deep breath,  Release. Lord I release my "responsibility" in how you want to move.  I recognize all I need to do is believe.  Please forgive me for putting limitations on you.  Please have your way completely.

Timely Text

I have made a decision that I will not let this consume me.  Last year when we lost baby Canaan through the failed adoption I was so consumed with grief that it was difficult during the holidays.  I didn't even want to celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving.  I know it was only God that pulled me out of that depression.  I am choosing NOT to let the enemy beat me down like that again!!!!  Matt and I were praying this morning about our grief and the mourning process.  We were praying blessings and that God would speak to our hearts.  I don't know if domestic adoption is for us.  Maybe we are not meant to have a newborn or an infant.  I don't know if God has called us to adopt an older child or calling  us to international adoption today instead of a few years down the road.  We prayed that God would open our hearts and our eyes to see what HE has for us.  One thing I do know is that we are called to be parents.  The deep desire that is in both our hearts is too strong and I know that God has put that there.  I don't understand HIS ways but I trust that HIS ways are way better than mine and I believe that the blessing of children is for us.

After Matt left for work I sat down to drink my coffee and I received a text.  I have so many wonderful Godly women in my life.  Some I don't even get to see but they check in and encourage me often.  My friend sent this timely text and I know it was God speaking to us after our morning time of prayer.  This is the message I received:

"THE PROOF OF DESIRE IS PURSUIT! Remembering that God wants to put desire in the spirits of broken people, be aware that there wouldn't be any desire if there weren't any relationship.  You can't desire something that's not there!  The very fact that you have a desire is in itself an indication that BETTER DAYS ARE COMING! EXPECT SOMETHING WONDERFUL TO HAPPEN! Meditate on Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself also in the Lord; He shall give you the desires of your heart.  Surrender everything to the Lord.  Today give everything to Jesus Christ.  He's been waiting just for you.  You are special, beautifully made in His image.  Walk in purpose.  Your latter days are greater than your past.  The best, your best is yet to come!!!  May triple favor be upon you.  Do things God's way.  Watch Him shower you with His love and blessings."

I want you to know that this friend is not a friend on facebook and also does not know anything about this adoption.  She has no idea what we have just walked through.  I just told our family in September and didn't start fundraising but a few weeks ago.  I hadn't had a chance to tell her yet.  WOW! is all I can say.  Such an encouragement to us both.  I pray that God uses this blog to encourage you or someone you know walking through brokenness or disappointment.  I know GOD is going to be glorified through mine and Matt's life.  My heart is encouraged today.  Just that simple reminder that He hears us and He is answering.  I feel like I just got a bear hug from my Papa God!

Wet noses and grief

We both sat in our living room sobbing last night and one little wet nose and one BIG wet nose brushed our hands.  Its amazing how my little buddies Harley and Kadie, our daschund and great dane, know when we are hurting and always try to comfort us.  In fact anytime we are upset Kadie and Harley will both try to sit in our laps.  Journaling has always been an outlet for me so I have decided to continue the blog.  After a long discussion we have promised one another that we are not going to act on impulse.  So we are not going to get rid of anything we had bought and made for Ellie.  We had also already decided we were going to keep our adoption savings account open.  We will donate a portion of the tshirt money to the orphanage in the Ukraine.  I have been to orphanages in foreign countries and my heart burns for those precious little ones.  I believe one day God is going to bless us enough financial that we will be able to adopt internationally.

We feel your prayers.  I want so much to get answers from the Lord.  I don't understand the broken path that we have been on.  When it seems like all things are going along perfectly and you "feel" the confirmation from the Lord.  Not only did we seem to feel it but also the birthmom expressed she felt that way and told us so more than once.  I waited so long to even mention to family about this adoption.  And I was terrified to make it this public because this was my worst fear.  I know it is silly to feel so silly for having shared with the world  our story and then for it not to go through.  Especially when we announce that we felt strongly that the Lord was in it.  I know there are so many answers to that statement and I am sure one of them is the right one.  Right now its just hard to wrap my head around it. 

It hurts.  We never imagined it could happen again.  But I was reminded something this morning as I was praying.  I am doing that pretty constant.  Almost every breath.  James Dobson wrote a book that I haven't yet finished but has made an impact on me.  "When God doesn't make sense"  This is an insert that echoes in my mind:

"If you find yourself on that dusty road to Emmaus today, and the circumstances in your life have left you confused and depressed, I have a word of counsel for you.  Never assume God's silence or apparent inactivity is evidence of His disinterest.  Let me say it again.  Feelings about His inaccessibility mean nothing! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! HIS WORD IS INFINITELY MORE RELIABLE THAN OUR SPOOKY EMOTIONS.  Rev. Reubin Welch, a minister and author, once said, "With God, even when nothing is happening---something is happening." It is true.  The Lord is at work in His own unique way even when our prayers seem to echo back from an empty universe."

Please continue to pray for us.  We love you all and appreciate all your love and support.  I don't know how but I feel God is going to use our story to bring HIM glory.  And I pray that our journey will be a blessing, encouragement and a strength to those who may find themselves in brokenness.  God said in His word that He is near those of a broken and contrite heart.  I cling to this.

Love is a risk.

I stood in the bathroom at our dorm, crying on my friend Charity's shoulder.  My heart had been broken and in hurt I said "I'm not going to allow my heart to love like this again!"  Charity held me tight and said "Jenny, Love is risk and God wants us to love."  Those words have come to me several times since that conversation. 

With a broken heart and tear stained face I sit here typing this.  This week one year ago we were in the adoption process for a baby boy and I got the phone call from the birthmom that she changed her mind.  Fear gripped me today when our attorney called and shared the news that Hope and Jeremiah had contacted the social worker to say they had changed their minds and wanted to parent.  First let me say that placing your child for adoption has to be one of the MOST DIFFICUlT decisions.  Hope and Jeremiah both are loving and wonderful people.  I AM NOT ANGRY.  We are heartbroken.  This is a loss for us.  We had already had a challenging past two weeks with work stuff and fill in the blank stuff. 

Thank you to everyone who have supported us with the Eliana project.  We love Hope, Jeremiah and baby Eliana so much.  She has not been born yet.  We continue to pray for them.  Right now we are in the grieving process.  Once again we have an empty nursery.  It might be hard for some to understand but this is a loss.  We will not be bringing a baby girl home from the hospital.

For those who have given monetary donations, if you would like your donation refunded please contact me.  I will put my information at the end of this post.  For those who bought tshirts or participated in our photo session fundraiser, we will be donating the money to children care packages in the Ukraine. I know of an adoptive mom who is heading this up and am about to contact her.  If you made a monetary donation and want it to go to the Ukraine orphanage please let me know as well.

I know for a while this is going to be a difficult time for us.  We have counselors we are going to be seeing.  We are not giving up the dream of adoption, just taking time to heal.  Please pray for us.  Times like these fill us with questions.  Those who are close,  I know it feels awkard because you may not know what to say.  I ask please just love on us and let us bring up the topic when we are ready to talk about it.  Its difficult to discuss such deep emotion when you are not ready to share with others.  We love you all.  We love Hope and Jeremiah.  We know God's got us in His hands.
My number is 329-3770,  my address is 1001 Hillsboro Lane, Helena, Al 35080 and my email is hickey_jenny@yahoo.com if you need to contact me concerning your monetary donation.

Tear stained t-shirt

What a wonderful, gorgeous, blessed and emotional day.  I sit hear with tears streaming down my face in gratitude.  I am thankful to my Papa God who has brought so many people in our lives who love us and we feel such an outpouring of support.  Today we did out photo session fundraiser and it was AMAZING!  Seeing all the beautiful families come out and support us and their precious smiles!! All of the pictures came out perfect! Thank you to my sister Renea and friend Jamie who were our talented photographers!

I also got to see most of my nieces and nephews today.  That always fills my heart with so much joy!  Ever since I found out about their conceptions I have been in love with them.  I am so blessed to be apart of their lives and to have been their with their mommies and daddies throughout the pregnancies and their births.  I cannot put into words truly how my heart loves them! They are my world!

And now as we get closer to this little angel, Eliana, coming into our lives I can't help but get emotional.  I have had the privilege of going to baby doctor appointments with Hope and hearing Eliana's heart beat.  I have seen her move inside of Hope's tummy.  I am so in love already!!! To have the outpouring of support through this process from each and everyone of you has left me speechless.  I have no words, just a tear stained tshirt.